Friday, January 30, 2009

Dinner Date

Another weekend approaches.
Awww the possibilities.
Who will I meet? Where will I go? What shall I do?
* Looks up at the clock slowly ticking to 5:30*
Tonight a date! With the best man I know. My Dad. This is a guaranteed no heartbreak, polite, honest, good conversation, good food, a kiss on the cheek goodnight and home in bed by 9 date. Which is fine by me. Last date I ended up leaving in the middle of dinner and calling my ex-husband to come and get me before that awful monster of a man came out with more disrespecting things to say.
Awful date #406
This boy whom I have known for awhile asked me to go to his work Christmas party with him. This boy and I have always shared a mutual attraction and innocent flirtation together. We arrived at his party at a local steakhouse where 100 plus of his co workers and their wives were eating. We sat down in the middle of the room. At first it was going by swimmingly. Then his friend who had recently became divorced began bragging about casual sex and picking up whatever you can at a bar. My big- huge- self-righteous- innocent- little angel- please don't make women a notch on the bedpost- you mean mean awful man-no sex til you are in love- mouth piped up. My date disagreed, and said something to the effect of 'do whatever you can, whenever you can, for as long as you can' I almost choked on my beet! I shot him a look backed with the power of all the women who have ever been a one night stand or a booty call. It didn't frighten this one. Instead he chose to say the most wrong, most awful, most disrespectful, slap-worthy statement I have ever heard..
I can't repeat it.. I can't even type it. My Grandmother reads my blog!
ok, A mild version.. " I bet you I can lick that little 'another word for, not kitty' of yours!"
Without hesitation I stood up. Placed my napkin over my salad. Grabbed my coat and stormed out.
That's up there amongst the worst date of all time. It almost compares with the time my date left me in Salt Lake City to go to Wendover with his buddies. Or the time my car got stuck in the snow 3 houses down from my dates house and when I called to tell him he simply said " Ok no big deal we will do it another night" He didn't help unstuck me or even look out the window to wave hello!
It did beat the birthday date when the boy I was dating gave me his used, old, scratched up camera for my present after buying himself a brand new one earlier that day.
But it didn't even come close to the number 1 worst date ever.
Let me set the scene for you.
Valentines Day last year. I have been dating this boy for a minute or two. I went and got him a Gerber daisy and chocolate covered fortune cookies with a note saying " how fortunate I was to have had met him" aww tender. And left it in his room.
I waited.. waited.. nothing. Then ALAS! 1 am rolls around and the piece of jerk called me to come get from the strip club. THE STRIP CLUB!!!! I did it. I DID IT!!
The whole way to his house I silently sang 'kumbaya my lord' to calm myself into not killing him. His drunken lushed ass cried and blubbered the whole way home and then vomited outside my car. Then He smiled and said goodnight. The little guy was too tuckered out from looking at naked women twirl around all night to invite me in.
No thank you for the candy.. No happy Valentines day baby. Nada.
Anyway.. The point of this rant?
I guess it's that my weekends may be alot less eventful these days but God, I am a whole hell of alot happier.
I love having the opportunity to connect more with my friends and my family. I love that I get to watch whatever the hell I want to on the television and rent any movie I care to see. I love not waisting my energy on some asshole. And learning alot about myself.
I do hate it when a cute little love song comes on the radio or on my Ipod, watching lovey-dovey films, stumbling across old photographs, or when those weird unexpected moments occur when you can't stop thinking about what use to be and what they are doing now.
But those moments never seem to last long and thank heavens for the skip button. They are nothing a good friend can't cure, or a slap in the face remember what happened memory replaces the ewwy gooey one, or hot Yoga, or even better.. a rice krispie treat!

Monday, January 26, 2009

My 15 Minutes Of fame

A few weeks ago My friend Steph and I ventured out to the city of Salt to grab a Monday night cocktail and chat.
Upon entering the Bar we were stopped by a camera man asking for our opinion on the bars closing. I had only been in this bar once before, for an hour at most therefore I had no opinion. But He was insistent.. so I channeled the inner bar fly and Lied on local television. I always knew I could be an actress.
Steph told the man her name was Sally Fields and shared memories of Halloween's past spent at the Port. But the only thing they showed was her anger in buying a membership for only 2 months of use.
I tried like hell to hold in my laughter and say something inspiring and intelligent.. but.. well.. the topic was a local watering hole.. So I chose to express my love for the bar I had never been in and used excellent choices for word's like "Suck"
Even the creepy man who offered us his lighter and went on and on about getting stuck in Vegas but not gambling and shared his thoughts on strippers and sex toys made a better point than I did.
Although Port o' Call does have a special place in my heart, in the last shot I am not getting emotional over the untimely fate of this bar.. I am about to start laughing so hard I nearly Pee'd my pants. But I still would gladly accept my Emmy.
I don't know what it is about Steph and I but when the two of us are together the most ridiculously random funny things happen to us.
I would have posted this sooner however, I am technologically challenged and it took me 2 weeks to find the damn video.
And in retrospect and in having a little time to think about the issue, I wish I woulda said ..
I think its bullshit. There is a perfectly good court house a block away from this bar. And if Obama is giving the State of Utah a stimulus package to build a new court house I think he should look over his budget one more time. Why in the hell do we need to spend millions to build a new court house when we have so many layoffs due to budget cuts and lack of work? Small business's are closing, Houses are foreclosing and the answer? Shut down another local business and put even more people out of work??! This bar is a great tourist attraction and it is one of the biggest bars in the city.. It brought in alot of revenue to the state Taxes.
Im sure this decision was fully backed by the church who aides in every decision made in the state. Our Bars already require memberships and all alcohol is covered by the 'Zion curtain' So whats one less bar and the jobs of the sinners whom partake in that lifestyle?
Bravo Utah Bravo.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

All we needed were some red balloons

This weekend we celebrated. It was a much needed, long over due celebration.
We danced our hearts out to a retro reggae jazz band in the heart of park city.
We drank an overabundance of alcohol out of shot glasses glued to a ski.
We learned that Republicans do not take loss's well and blame all the worlds problems on Liberals. Also, Did you know that Republicans have money and that's why they would never be caught dead eating at a Taco Bell? I must say, I was surprised. I thought Taco bell used water boarding to kill their cows and get their meat. Allow me to explain..
This girl who came to the party for only a short time announced proudly that she was a Republican not to ever be confused with a Liberal within in the first 34 seconds of entering the doorway. I found this a bit presumptuous and as the minutes went on I found her to be quite the ostentatious little bitch. Evidently, I made a disconcerting face when she ever so loudly and randomly made her political comment. She waltzed right over to me and asked " You must be a liberal?!" I took a sip from my beer and said " Sure am." then the words " I'm sorry" Translated into ' You poor pathetic soul' slurred from her chapped, dry, crackling lips. (The conditions of her lips really hold no relevance to this story at all. I just wanted to recommend some blistex to the bitch.) I simply smirked and said " Don't be.. the elections over. We won!" She then let out this strange chuckle that sounded much like I would imagine an elephant would sound had it just been kicked in the ass by a Donkey.
Then for the next 20 minutes she kept telling everyone I hated her. When all I really wanted to do was stick my Obama sticker over her mouth and chuck tubes of carmex at her til she left.
I was also scorned by a Hippie. We were waiting for our ride outside. Please note that it was snowing. And we were in the Mountains. In January. When these women walk by dressed in mini skirts and high heels. Me, Being, well.. Me. Made a slightly sarcastic remark about maybe passing the word along that it is 14 degrees outside!! And this women snarled at me saying I should just 'Let it be' ' Do not judge it's cool maaan like bein who they are and stuff' I felt like I was inside a Beetle song. But, coming from a woman who's dread locks smelled like an ancient woolly mammoth's hide and was as chiefed as chong himself I chose to by-pass the moment.
However.. it did make me realize that other women really don't care for me all that much.
Anyway, Back to the fun.
We were suppose to ride in a stretch escalade to Main Street but there must have been a mix up at the cab service because waiting outside was not a stretch anything.. but yet a large over sized white van named "snowflake".
The ride in our very own special short bus was fun. Me, Krisi, Tawni and 7 strange ski bums from Boston all jamming out to 3 doors down. Priceless.
We ate deliciously greasy pizza and gave out fake phone numbers.
The night was a huge success of fun and we painted that cold pretentious town all sorts of hues of red!
"It's all over, and I'm standing pretty In the dust that was a city I could find a souvenir Just to prove the world was here Here it is, a red balloon I think of you and let it go"
Thank you friends for another night of wonderfully fun memories I'll never forget.
Happy Birthday Tawni.

Ps.. It snowed. And those huge hunks of rubber I recently purchase were the best $400 bucks ever spent. My little car got up the hills lickity split. I'm so proud.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Broken telephone lines??

Friday.. Fantastic! Ask me if I have plans tonight.. go ahead, Dare Ya!! Its been 5 days since that stupid rotten no good butterfly given butthead called me. 5!! But who's counting?

Thank you Cosmo, Thank you Greg Behrendt.. I get it. He is just not that into me. 10-4. Copy.

Question: Does Testosterone provide the talent of acting? Just Curious, because this kid should be winning an Emmy. Also, what is with these games that go hand in hand with dating? Seriously? It's like a relentless game of chess while at the same time competing in the hop scotch championship. Should he call me? Do I call him? Is it still the 3 day rule or has it advanced to 5? Perhaps, I should just run up to him at recess and pinch him, call him a name and run away laughing? Or, do I delete his number and settle in with some Ben and Jerrys and a bottle of wine until me and the girls go out for another round of guess which one isn't an asshole?

I wish meeting people could be as easy as those old Sesame Street games.. like.. "One of these things is not like the others,One of these things just doesn't belong,Can you tell which thing is not like the others By the time I finish my song?"

But no, They all look about the same. Many have an endearing sense of charm and irresistiblity and it usually takes us woman a lot longer than a song to realise what a turd he is. The bad ones disguise themselves well as good guys and the good guys are good guys lost in a sea of jackass's or they are married. The good single ones should illuminate light or something.

Unfortunately I can't wikipedia my questions. But I'll tell ya one little fun factoid I did learn.. Mars is 1990 million miles away from Venus.

I rest my case.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Cold dead fish and Black goo hearts

This last weekend was good. The last few lately have been great. I will give them credit to the liberating breakthrough in which I am accomplishing. Breaking the serial monogamist cycle.
Friday My dear friend steph and I ventured up to park city to have dinner with my darling friend Tawni and her precious little baby Jocelyn. We went to the restaurant Tawni works at for a night of cold dead fish and catching up.
The Sushi was horrid. Maybe it was the fact that whilst trying to consume it I was sitting up against a huge aquarium filled with fish, brine shrimp, snails and sea horses watching me eat their late uncle fishsticks. It felt wrong. Very very wrong.
If ever I go out for a steak dinner and am sat next to a herd of cattle I will defiantly be asking for another table. Im sorry, but that is not creating an atmosphere unless you are trying to push veganism.
But The company was awesome. I still can't believe my Tawni is a mommy. And she is such a fantastic one. I admire this woman. She takes life and all it throws at her with such grace and ease. She makes it all look so easy. (Just don't ask her to make an open face sandwich)
And Steph was hilarious as ever. We spotted a snail that resembled a woman's hoo-hoo, met a couple brit's with sparkly loafers, serenaded the baby to 'baby got back' and the whole way home we did terrible impersonations and bad accents.

Photo documentation

This is Jocelyn Dawn. She is the most beautiful baby I have ever had the pleasure of holding. She is looking like her mother more and more every day.

This is Tawni. She looks nothing like a woman who pushed a baby out of her. This girl made pregnancy and labor look like a breeze.

This is steph. You can't tell from this photograph but this woman can do an uncanny Australian drawl.

Saturday I Worked. I re did 273 accidents after self teaching myself how to do them correctly. What can I say? I save the world one accident report at a time even if it takes me a minute.
Then, Krisi and I painted the town red whilst drinking beer, eating calamari, hummus, shots of kamikazees and dancing to cotton eyed joe.
Sunday I relived those things that I hate deep down in your belly that cause uncontrollable giggles and blushing just minus the hot dogged hamburgers, 1930's country jams and 310 to Yuma. But, I still enjoyed myself. *Blushes*... A lot.
It's Wednesday. Since then I have saved the world with more reports, watched a lot of T.V. and a few films, ate a whole lot of junk food, visited with friends,cleaned my house and went grocery shopping for more junk food, but.. My telephone hasn't rang with that boy on the other end. I would be lying if I said I wasn't bummed. *Hangs head*
But it's no big. I don't care. I'll get over it. I already knew Boys have cold black goo hearts.. I guess all creatures from venus do.
Besides, I got my Girls and my Cat and RedBox and tons of books I have yet to read. And if the nights get really lonesome I could always do yoga. (The grocery stores would have to be all out of pizza's, Cheetos, blue moon and sour patch watermelons in order for this to happen.)
Point is: I am happy. Even all alone all by myself.. I am perfectly happy.
Thats all, for now.

Friday, January 16, 2009

The 3rd degree..

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I tried a dirty Martini and Liked it. I think I ate my own weight in the amount of cheetos I consumed.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I tried awfully hard. I think my list of lutions’ is the same for this year. Its more of a lifer list. Its an on going process but I feel as if I am getting there.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My best friend Tawni had a beautiful baby girl.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, Thank heavens.
5. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
6. What countries did you visit?
Unless you count Vegas as a foreign country.. none. I do, It smells funny.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
September 10, 2008 My birthday. How selfish is that?!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Letting go.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don’t think I ate near enough cake.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I suffered from a rare condition that clouds your judgment causing you to date the hugest assbags on the planet.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
The snow tires I spent 392 dollars for and now its not even snowing! Its 50 flipping degrees outside for god sake!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Every single last one of my friends were simply amazing, are simply amazing.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mens. Every single last one them. Even the male ducks who took advantage of a female duck in my front yard this spring. Anything with a Wiener basically sucks.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Tomato juice and vodka. Also, clothing, a hell of a lot of clothing.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Obama.. I even got a T-shirt.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Journey.. Don’t stop believing.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Immensely more happy.
ii. thinner or fatter? I accumulated some junk in the trunk.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer. Thanks to my new job not only are my pay checks bigger, but I have more time for these lovely survey’s, reading about the end of the world and I now know the side effects of mixing cintrum silver and Metamucil with water pills.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Living in the moment. Appreciating the present time. Not worrying so much about tomorrow, or the next day ,or next year.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Dating. And Caring.
20. There was no #20.
21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21 or 20..
I’ll make up my own question here then..
What would cheer you up today?
Cake. Ice cream cake. Cookie dough Ice cream cake. And A mojito!
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
O weird.. you had to bring this up didn’t ya. . Way to go. And wipe the smirk off your face ass hole before I do it for you! Yes I fell in love, as quickly as I fell in I fell out. Twice. Also I didn’t stop loving someone either.
23. How many one-night stands?
Ewwww * convulses* changing subject: Did you know…Red heads have no souls? Fact!
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Sex in the City Re runs.. and Friends re runs.. and House and Bones. And weeds. I watch quite a bit of television evidently.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Why yes, yes I do. This time last year I hadn’t had the pleasure of meeting a few of the assbags I referred to a few questions up.
26. What was the best book you read?
Does Cosmo count? ;) No, umm Eat, Pray, Love. Fantastic
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Karaoke. Wonderfully fun Karaoke.
28. What did you want and get?
My Ipod. Im still waiting on the cake. and the Mojito.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Pineapple Express.. mmmm James Franco. DelIcious.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you (optional)?
I turned 26. And I was in vegas eating crab, drinking yards and yards of foo foo drinks, supporting Obama, climbing on statues, and many other shenanigans.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More cowbell. Definitely more cowbell.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
34. What kept you sane?
My Friends. And Bloody Mary’s.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I Have a secret chick crush on Katie Holmes. She is so Gosh Darn precious.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Sarah Palin and her putting shame into having a Vagina.
37. Whom did you miss?
Chuck Norris.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Krisi. I thank God every Day I met that girl.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
The present is all that is ever available to us.. and within it holds everything.
And.. if Brittany Spears can get it together anyone can.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“ The more Boys I meet the more I like my dog”
“ Mmm bop, ba du dop ba du bop”

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

ummm Yemen!

Today is one of those days where I am seriously contemplating taking out what little money I have, hopping in my car, driving to the airport and flying far far far far far away. Try my luck as a nomad.
Why you ask?
Well it could be that it was pointed out to me today that I tend to move around alot in my Jobs. Looking at my resume I realised that this woman was right.. I am good for about a year or two and then I am gone. Is this coincidence? Or am I a drifter?
Do I bore easy? Why, Yes. Yes I do!

When asked why I don't stay at a job for a long period of time I answered by explaining the better job offers, my stupid.. yet strong desire to be a cop, reality hitting me square in the gut that the cop idea wasn't the best, And the place I am at now, just wanting to have a job in which I feel accomplished in, A job I do and do well, decent money and some benefits, be kept busy, go home and do it again tomorrow.
Hey.. Life happened!
But what if.. what if I am only good at anything for a year or two.
It's a definite possibility

Example 1. Jobs
Example 2. Relationships
Example 3. My Hair
Example 4. My wardrobe ( Every new season I need all new clothing.. its as if last spring I walked about naked)
Example 5. Food, Soda, hobbies etc.. ( I grow tired of things.. I use to eat chewy fruit granola bars every single morning and now, if I saw one I may vomit. And when I was little I would do gymnastics and in no time I wanted to be a ballerina and then no, the Karate kid seemed more fitting)

I am doomed! Doomed I tell ya.

Now even my fall back plan of becoming the crazy old cat lady, drinking moon shine alone on her porch, playing checkers by herself, and vacuuming her lawn won't work. I'll grow tired of my 56 felines and want a pot bellied pig named Lola and a goat named Bosifus and I'll get bored of checkers and want to play uno. And then I'll buy a leaf blower and drink Gin.

Destination: Yemen??.. I look decent with a towel on my head.. And I like rice. Then, when I grow tired of Yemen.. Rome.. then Thailand.. maybe Bermuda.. maybe Ireland, Irish accents are hot and I like beer. . .

Friday, January 9, 2009

A Bundle Of Boy

My baby sister announced today that she is having a Boy.
Im going to be 'Aunti Rian'.
I am totally going to insist on the 'Aunti' part to.. it sounds so sophisticated!
My Sister looks so happy and complete in her life. It makes me smile.
She is just about the sweetest little thing on earth, sunshine just radiates from her and if she isn't feeling it from you.. you better believe she will blow that sunshine right up your ass!
She is going to be a wonderful Mother.

On another note. .
I had a fabulous night last night.
I can't go into details because I always give details and maybe thats what jinxes me.
But I am a strong supporter in Hints:
Opened Doors.
Hot Dogged Hamburgers
Dead animals
1930's country classics
Live animals
310 to Yuma
Talk of Volcanic eruptions
Those things that I hate deep down in your belly that cause uncontrollable giggles and blushing

And I don't even care if I never enjoy hot dogged hamburgers, dead animals, 1930's country classics, live animals, snow, 310 to Yuma, Talk of Volcanic Eruptions, or those things that I hate deep down in your belly that cause uncontrollable giggles and blushing again. Because, I enjoyed the Hell out of it all last night.
But Lets just say, by chance, I get offered the chance to do it all again or even something else with just the company I won't even think twice.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Popcorned chocolate redboxed tires

I had to spend $392.00 on tires. I would much rather have $392.00 worth of cute new T-shirts and ballet flats and britches and necklaces, or perhaps a plane ticket to somewhere sunny.
But no, I have 4 hunks of rubber designed to get me around in this frozen terrain.
Someone hit my Dad and I's stone fence outside our house. It completely demolished it. But it's ok.. We have the horn to their vehicle, we found it in our yard.. How that car managed to drive away I'll never know.. but thank God for Karma because they won't be able to honk at passer-bys or Assholes that cut them off or any other fences that happen to get in their way.
Moral of those two short stories: I hate winter.
I don't think friends should be allowed to ever say "good-bye" it should be a universal rule like a blood-brother pact or a pinky swear that friends are a forever unconditional thing.
Sour patch watermelons, Dr pepper, Goldfish, Gummy bears, Twix, Movie theatre buttered Popcorn, cheeseburgers, french fries, oven baked pizzas, and Cheetos soothe a broken heart but defiantly does not cure it. The next morning you feel like an elephant is sitting on your guts and you still remember what ailed you prior to inhaling all that junk.
Movies, no matter how entertaining are just not as good without a comfy pair of arms to be intertwined with.
Moral of that tid-bit: I miss a few people. I am experiencing the 'phantom arm' thing. You know, where your arm is gone but you still feel the sensation of it. Except not with my arm but with people. Its like they are still there but yet, they aren't.
One more thing.. If you are dating someone.. not even dating but just hanging out with someone of the opposite sex, never under any circumstance ever say " Are we hanging out tonight? Hope you are ready I am feeling frisky" Chances are the person on the other end of the phone will chuck it right out of her hands,call you a list of every name under the sun, and swear off men for the rest of her existence, delete your phone number and then blog about your idiocracy and lack of respect, tact and over all persona.. " I am feeling frisky" ??!!?? Are you serious? What in the hell is wrong with people?! I don't even think this statement would be ok if you were in a long lasting intimate relationship with a person. Frisky?! * rolls her eyes*
Tonight: another trip to the Red box and I'm trading in the candy for a bag of trail mix..
( ha ha yeah right)

Friday, January 2, 2009

Indication of the next 12 months

I have a curse upon me. New Years Eve is always a colossal fiasco.
The last 10 have been nothing but strange, dramatic debaucheries.
This year may have taken the cake of the very worst New years. EVER.
In a 'new year' Nutshell ...
I should have followed my initial instinct and not invited ' the boy '
I should not have taken those last 3 shots of blueberry Vodka and especially not that last shot of Whiskey.
I need to learn When it's over.. it's over. Especially after my worth amounted to the shit he didn't want anymore. Asshole.
I need to think before I open my mouth. My worst enemy is my wicked tongue.
Anger and Jealousy are emotions I never want to carry with me nor do I want carry someone with the burden of those emotions.
The most important people in my life are my friends. And although our New Years began in madness I am so grateful to have rang it in with my closest friends. You all are the people I hope to hold onto and hope to spend the next year and many more with.
I am sorry for the way the night unfolded.
I leave 2008 behind with pain and graciousness in my heart.
I have alot of memories and experiences from the past year, some I will take with me and some I would rather leave behind.
I am starting 2009 with an open heart and an open mind.
Happy New Year.