Friday, January 30, 2009
Awww the possibilities.
Who will I meet? Where will I go? What shall I do?
* Looks up at the clock slowly ticking to 5:30*
Tonight a date! With the best man I know. My Dad. This is a guaranteed no heartbreak, polite, honest, good conversation, good food, a kiss on the cheek goodnight and home in bed by 9 date. Which is fine by me. Last date I ended up leaving in the middle of dinner and calling my ex-husband to come and get me before that awful monster of a man came out with more disrespecting things to say.
Awful date #406
This boy whom I have known for awhile asked me to go to his work Christmas party with him. This boy and I have always shared a mutual attraction and innocent flirtation together. We arrived at his party at a local steakhouse where 100 plus of his co workers and their wives were eating. We sat down in the middle of the room. At first it was going by swimmingly. Then his friend who had recently became divorced began bragging about casual sex and picking up whatever you can at a bar. My big- huge- self-righteous- innocent- little angel- please don't make women a notch on the bedpost- you mean mean awful man-no sex til you are in love- mouth piped up. My date disagreed, and said something to the effect of 'do whatever you can, whenever you can, for as long as you can' I almost choked on my beet! I shot him a look backed with the power of all the women who have ever been a one night stand or a booty call. It didn't frighten this one. Instead he chose to say the most wrong, most awful, most disrespectful, slap-worthy statement I have ever heard..
I can't repeat it.. I can't even type it. My Grandmother reads my blog!
ok, A mild version.. " I bet you I can lick that little 'another word for cat..no, not kitty' of yours!"
Without hesitation I stood up. Placed my napkin over my salad. Grabbed my coat and stormed out.
That's up there amongst the worst date of all time. It almost compares with the time my date left me in Salt Lake City to go to Wendover with his buddies. Or the time my car got stuck in the snow 3 houses down from my dates house and when I called to tell him he simply said " Ok no big deal we will do it another night" He didn't help unstuck me or even look out the window to wave hello!
It did beat the birthday date when the boy I was dating gave me his used, old, scratched up camera for my present after buying himself a brand new one earlier that day.
But it didn't even come close to the number 1 worst date ever.
Let me set the scene for you.
Valentines Day last year. I have been dating this boy for a minute or two. I went and got him a Gerber daisy and chocolate covered fortune cookies with a note saying " how fortunate I was to have had met him" aww tender. And left it in his room.
I waited.. waited.. nothing. Then ALAS! 1 am rolls around and the piece of jerk called me to come get from the strip club. THE STRIP CLUB!!!! I did it. I DID IT!!
The whole way to his house I silently sang 'kumbaya my lord' to calm myself into not killing him. His drunken lushed ass cried and blubbered the whole way home and then vomited outside my car. Then He smiled and said goodnight. The little guy was too tuckered out from looking at naked women twirl around all night to invite me in.
No thank you for the candy.. No happy Valentines day baby. Nada.
Anyway.. The point of this rant?
I guess it's that my weekends may be alot less eventful these days but God, I am a whole hell of alot happier.
I love having the opportunity to connect more with my friends and my family. I love that I get to watch whatever the hell I want to on the television and rent any movie I care to see. I love not waisting my energy on some asshole. And learning alot about myself.
I do hate it when a cute little love song comes on the radio or on my Ipod, watching lovey-dovey films, stumbling across old photographs, or when those weird unexpected moments occur when you can't stop thinking about what use to be and what they are doing now.
But those moments never seem to last long and thank heavens for the skip button. They are nothing a good friend can't cure, or a slap in the face remember what happened memory replaces the ewwy gooey one, or hot Yoga, or even better.. a rice krispie treat!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Upon entering the Bar we were stopped by a camera man asking for our opinion on the bars closing. I had only been in this bar once before, for an hour at most therefore I had no opinion. But He was insistent.. so I channeled the inner bar fly and Lied on local television. I always knew I could be an actress.
Steph told the man her name was Sally Fields and shared memories of Halloween's past spent at the Port. But the only thing they showed was her anger in buying a membership for only 2 months of use.
I tried like hell to hold in my laughter and say something inspiring and intelligent.. but.. well.. the topic was a local watering hole.. So I chose to express my love for the bar I had never been in and used excellent choices for word's like "Suck"
Even the creepy man who offered us his lighter and went on and on about getting stuck in Vegas but not gambling and shared his thoughts on strippers and sex toys made a better point than I did.
Although Port o' Call does have a special place in my heart, in the last shot I am not getting emotional over the untimely fate of this bar.. I am about to start laughing so hard I nearly Pee'd my pants. But I still would gladly accept my Emmy.
I don't know what it is about Steph and I but when the two of us are together the most ridiculously random funny things happen to us.
I would have posted this sooner however, I am technologically challenged and it took me 2 weeks to find the damn video.
And in retrospect and in having a little time to think about the issue, I wish I woulda said ..
I think its bullshit. There is a perfectly good court house a block away from this bar. And if Obama is giving the State of Utah a stimulus package to build a new court house I think he should look over his budget one more time. Why in the hell do we need to spend millions to build a new court house when we have so many layoffs due to budget cuts and lack of work? Small business's are closing, Houses are foreclosing and the answer? Shut down another local business and put even more people out of work??! This bar is a great tourist attraction and it is one of the biggest bars in the city.. It brought in alot of revenue to the state Taxes.
Im sure this decision was fully backed by the church who aides in every decision made in the state. Our Bars already require memberships and all alcohol is covered by the 'Zion curtain' So whats one less bar and the jobs of the sinners whom partake in that lifestyle?
Bravo Utah Bravo.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thank you Cosmo, Thank you Greg Behrendt.. I get it. He is just not that into me. 10-4. Copy.
Question: Does Testosterone provide the talent of acting? Just Curious, because this kid should be winning an Emmy. Also, what is with these games that go hand in hand with dating? Seriously? It's like a relentless game of chess while at the same time competing in the hop scotch championship. Should he call me? Do I call him? Is it still the 3 day rule or has it advanced to 5? Perhaps, I should just run up to him at recess and pinch him, call him a name and run away laughing? Or, do I delete his number and settle in with some Ben and Jerrys and a bottle of wine until me and the girls go out for another round of guess which one isn't an asshole?
I wish meeting people could be as easy as those old Sesame Street games.. like.. "One of these things is not like the others,One of these things just doesn't belong,Can you tell which thing is not like the others By the time I finish my song?"
But no, They all look about the same. Many have an endearing sense of charm and irresistiblity and it usually takes us woman a lot longer than a song to realise what a turd he is. The bad ones disguise themselves well as good guys and the good guys are good guys lost in a sea of jackass's or they are married. The good single ones should illuminate light or something.
Unfortunately I can't wikipedia my questions. But I'll tell ya one little fun factoid I did learn.. Mars is 1990 million miles away from Venus.
I rest my case.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
I tried a dirty Martini and Liked it. I think I ate my own weight in the amount of cheetos I consumed.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I tried awfully hard. I think my list of lutions’ is the same for this year. Its more of a lifer list. Its an on going process but I feel as if I am getting there.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My best friend Tawni had a beautiful baby girl.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, Thank heavens.
5. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
6. What countries did you visit?
Unless you count Vegas as a foreign country.. none. I do, It smells funny.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
September 10, 2008 My birthday. How selfish is that?!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don’t think I ate near enough cake.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I suffered from a rare condition that clouds your judgment causing you to date the hugest assbags on the planet.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
The snow tires I spent 392 dollars for and now its not even snowing! Its 50 flipping degrees outside for god sake!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Every single last one of my friends were simply amazing, are simply amazing.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mens. Every single last one them. Even the male ducks who took advantage of a female duck in my front yard this spring. Anything with a Wiener basically sucks.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Tomato juice and vodka. Also, clothing, a hell of a lot of clothing.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Obama.. I even got a T-shirt.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Journey.. Don’t stop believing.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Immensely more happy.
ii. thinner or fatter? I accumulated some junk in the trunk.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer. Thanks to my new job not only are my pay checks bigger, but I have more time for these lovely survey’s, reading about the end of the world and I now know the side effects of mixing cintrum silver and Metamucil with water pills.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Living in the moment. Appreciating the present time. Not worrying so much about tomorrow, or the next day ,or next year.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Dating. And Caring.
20. There was no #20.
21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21 or 20..
I’ll make up my own question here then..
What would cheer you up today?
Cake. Ice cream cake. Cookie dough Ice cream cake. And A mojito!
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
O weird.. you had to bring this up didn’t ya. . Way to go. And wipe the smirk off your face ass hole before I do it for you! Yes I fell in love, as quickly as I fell in I fell out. Twice. Also I didn’t stop loving someone either.
23. How many one-night stands?
Ewwww * convulses* changing subject: Did you know…Red heads have no souls? Fact!
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Sex in the City Re runs.. and Friends re runs.. and House and Bones. And weeds. I watch quite a bit of television evidently.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Why yes, yes I do. This time last year I hadn’t had the pleasure of meeting a few of the assbags I referred to a few questions up.
26. What was the best book you read?
Does Cosmo count? ;) No, umm Eat, Pray, Love. Fantastic
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Karaoke. Wonderfully fun Karaoke.
28. What did you want and get?
My Ipod. Im still waiting on the cake. and the Mojito.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Pineapple Express.. mmmm James Franco. DelIcious.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you (optional)?
I turned 26. And I was in vegas eating crab, drinking yards and yards of foo foo drinks, supporting Obama, climbing on statues, and many other shenanigans.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More cowbell. Definitely more cowbell.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
34. What kept you sane?
My Friends. And Bloody Mary’s.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I Have a secret chick crush on Katie Holmes. She is so Gosh Darn precious.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Sarah Palin and her putting shame into having a Vagina.
37. Whom did you miss?
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Krisi. I thank God every Day I met that girl.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
The present is all that is ever available to us.. and within it holds everything.
And.. if Brittany Spears can get it together anyone can.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“ The more Boys I meet the more I like my dog”
“ Mmm bop, ba du dop ba du bop”
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Im going to be 'Aunti Rian'.
I am totally going to insist on the 'Aunti' part to.. it sounds so sophisticated!
My Sister looks so happy and complete in her life. It makes me smile.
She is just about the sweetest little thing on earth, sunshine just radiates from her and if she isn't feeling it from you.. you better believe she will blow that sunshine right up your ass!
She is going to be a wonderful Mother.
On another note. .
I had a fabulous night last night.
I can't go into details because I always give details and maybe thats what jinxes me.
But I am a strong supporter in Hints:
Hot Dogged Hamburgers
1930's country classics
310 to Yuma
Talk of Volcanic eruptions
Those things that I hate deep down in your belly that cause uncontrollable giggles and blushing
And I don't even care if I never enjoy hot dogged hamburgers, dead animals, 1930's country classics, live animals, snow, 310 to Yuma, Talk of Volcanic Eruptions, or those things that I hate deep down in your belly that cause uncontrollable giggles and blushing again. Because, I enjoyed the Hell out of it all last night.
But Lets just say, by chance, I get offered the chance to do it all again or even something else with just the company I won't even think twice.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
But no, I have 4 hunks of rubber designed to get me around in this frozen terrain.
Someone hit my Dad and I's stone fence outside our house. It completely demolished it. But it's ok.. We have the horn to their vehicle, we found it in our yard.. How that car managed to drive away I'll never know.. but thank God for Karma because they won't be able to honk at passer-bys or Assholes that cut them off or any other fences that happen to get in their way.
Moral of those two short stories: I hate winter.
I don't think friends should be allowed to ever say "good-bye" it should be a universal rule like a blood-brother pact or a pinky swear that friends are a forever unconditional thing.
Sour patch watermelons, Dr pepper, Goldfish, Gummy bears, Twix, Movie theatre buttered Popcorn, cheeseburgers, french fries, oven baked pizzas, and Cheetos soothe a broken heart but defiantly does not cure it. The next morning you feel like an elephant is sitting on your guts and you still remember what ailed you prior to inhaling all that junk.
Movies, no matter how entertaining are just not as good without a comfy pair of arms to be intertwined with.
Moral of that tid-bit: I miss a few people. I am experiencing the 'phantom arm' thing. You know, where your arm is gone but you still feel the sensation of it. Except not with my arm but with people. Its like they are still there but yet, they aren't.
One more thing.. If you are dating someone.. not even dating but just hanging out with someone of the opposite sex, never under any circumstance ever say " Are we hanging out tonight? Hope you are ready I am feeling frisky" Chances are the person on the other end of the phone will chuck it right out of her hands,call you a list of every name under the sun, and swear off men for the rest of her existence, delete your phone number and then blog about your idiocracy and lack of respect, tact and over all persona.. " I am feeling frisky" ??!!?? Are you serious? What in the hell is wrong with people?! I don't even think this statement would be ok if you were in a long lasting intimate relationship with a person. Frisky?! * rolls her eyes*
Tonight: another trip to the Red box and I'm trading in the candy for a bag of trail mix..
( ha ha yeah right)
Friday, January 2, 2009
The last 10 have been nothing but strange, dramatic debaucheries.
This year may have taken the cake of the very worst New years. EVER.
In a 'new year' Nutshell ...
I should have followed my initial instinct and not invited ' the boy '
I should not have taken those last 3 shots of blueberry Vodka and especially not that last shot of Whiskey.
I need to learn When it's over.. it's over. Especially after my worth amounted to the shit he didn't want anymore. Asshole.
I need to think before I open my mouth. My worst enemy is my wicked tongue.
Anger and Jealousy are emotions I never want to carry with me nor do I want carry someone with the burden of those emotions.
The most important people in my life are my friends. And although our New Years began in madness I am so grateful to have rang it in with my closest friends. You all are the people I hope to hold onto and hope to spend the next year and many more with.
I am sorry for the way the night unfolded.
I leave 2008 behind with pain and graciousness in my heart.
I have alot of memories and experiences from the past year, some I will take with me and some I would rather leave behind.
I am starting 2009 with an open heart and an open mind.
Happy New Year.