Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Dude @ work: O my God, These Mike and Ikes are sooo delicious. They are like, straight from the factory they are SO fresh.
* It is important to note that he was across the office from me and going on and on and on about the Mike and Ikes in the the most passionate tone of voice. One would have thought this was the first time the man discovered taste
Me: Dude, Are you usuallythis serously passionate about chewy candies?
Dude @ work: No.. just THESE. Try them they are extraordinary. *pause for dramatic chew* And.. for the record I am passionate about everything.
* I think its also important to note mainly due to timing and being able to follow this story to the point of it.(yes there is one) that dude is passionate. about. everything. Politics.. wheew boy. Budget..O man. The jalapeno jelly he made..watch out! and now Mike and Ikes.
Other non-important lady I work with in the room: You weren't passionate earlier when we were talking about romance.
Me: Umm yeah cause he isn't 60 and curling up with menopause to a Danielle Steel novel.
*Note: No I didn't actually say this. But I thought it. And wanted to. Bad.
Him: Well that's because having a wife is like * pause for dramatic chew* having your finger cut off.
Me: W H A T?
Him: You know.. Phantom finger. Its not actually there but it is. Same with wives.
Me: * uncomfortable laugh * WHAT?!?!
Him: They may be cut off but its like they are still there!
Me: I know what phantom finger is. But what in the Hell does this have to do with your passion for your new found romance with the Mike and Ikes?!?
Him: I am passionate about my wife like I would be for my finger.
Me: You are comparing your wife to a severed digit? You should go home and thank your wife. And hug her. A lot.
Me: Because in 3 sentences you single handily talked me out of marriage. And how on earth you convinced a woman to marry you is well.. you owe her. Lots.
Him: Like the rest of my Mike and Ikes.
Me: *Roll of eyes*
*Note. The conversation ended without any harm done to him or the box of chewies.
However, I will never think of men the same again. In fact, If the thought of a woman's, well, you know.. didn't give me the heebeegeebees I think I might be lesbian.
Speaking Of lesbians:
Fast forward 2 hours.
* To set the scene, I was at dinner with my sister and my step Mother at a farely empty Indian Restaurant. We were talking about my Grandparents religious beliefs,(Which I'll write about in the future someday)
When this burly woman sitting a few tables up from us turned and joined in the conversation. Those of you who know me know that this is not in anyway OK with me.
Burly chick: I have to say you guys sound like you are having too much fun.
Me: * Eye roll*
Step Mom: Well come and Join us.
Burly chick: OK. Lifts chairs above her head and sits down at our table.
Me: * Gasp*
Step Mom: What do you do?
Burly Chick: I am a dog sitter. I stay at peoples houses and watch dogs.
Step Mom: O my God I have a Dog!
* Note this conversation goes on for upwards of 30 minutes with my stepmother showing Burly chick all of her puppy photos.
Me: * Thinking all the while ' do people do this? Have strange people stay in their houses while they are away to watch their dog? I mean really? Does this not seem at all a little strange? I mean for God sake you barely know Ms Burly here.. she could be a serial killer! Or a burglar! I mean its established the woman prefers woman. What if she goes sniffing your pantie drawer. Seems like a huge risk to take and all over a flipping dog?! Ridiculous if you ask me' Then I remember they aren't asking me and I am asking myself questions to myself in my own mind' I stopped.
StepMom: Rian! Tell *I forgot her name* Burly chick what you were just saying. It was HILARIOUS.
Me: I don't think that's all that appropriate talking about religion to a com..
StepMom: TELL HER!!
Me: Ok.. Well when I was little I knew my grandparents believed in something called Urantia. I asked my Mother..
Burly Chick: Urantia? What is that?? What is their principle belief system?!?
Me: Well they believe in God and Christ But they tie the universe into their belief's..
Burly Chick: I don't believe In God!
Me: O o o o K...
Burly Chick then proceeds to tell us about the death of her sister and being raised as a roman catholic and doubt doubt doubt sin sin sin. And then asked me: If there is a God why would God allow the woman of Somalia to be raped and murdered? And all the other horrible things like Genocide to occur? How could he be all knowing and all powerful and sit back and allow THAT to happen?!?
Me: Free will. That was God's gift to us. Free Will.
Burly Chick: Well it doesn't make any sense. Show me proof. I'll believe.
Me and what I wanted to say but instead sat there as I always do when it would be awesome to not be a chickenshit: Well.. Take your teeth for example. You could brush them. But no, you choose not to. You have chosen not to practice good hygiene and allow your teeth to turn that there grayish brown color. That. Dear burly chick, is free will. Because If God could come down and perform miracles on a day to day basis, I'll bet your bottom dollar he'd give you some Colgate!
Burly chick after the long pause of me imagining what to say: If God were to come down imagine what the people these days would do to him? We thought the first persecution was bad! Well, I better go..I could chat all day about this. It was nice talking to you.
StepMom: Yes I have your card. I'll call ya.
Burly Chick. Yes do. Lets chat I don't have many friends.
Me: Wonder why
I am still re-cooping from the death stare I got from my Stepmother.
Friday, August 14, 2009
1. I am scared of basically everything. Including Fish, Birds, Spiders, Snakes and enchilada cheese.
2. I wish I had a southern accent. Like, really bad.
3. When I was little I would pretend I was a waitress, a Police officer or a Genie.
4. When I was 5 I convinced my Aunt my floral pajamas were an outfit and wore them to a fancy restaurant.
5. I get tired of things after 6 months.
6. I won best author in 3rd grade with a story about a can of magic beans that make you toot. No kidding.
7. I am attracted to men that have big snouts.
8. I dislike the word ‘sexy’. So much I have stopped dating someone who says that to me.
9. It makes me uncomfortable when a person doesn’t make eye contact with me.
10. I never finish my drinks. I don’t know why.
11. I can never seem to screw the lid on to the Orange juice correctly.
12. I lose the toothpaste cap. Every time. AND I squeeze from the middle.
13. I want 2 children.
14. I would like to own a pot bellied pig named Lola.
15. I really wish the O.C. was still on television.
16. I want to write a book. I have no idea what to write it about.
17. In 9th grade I puked during our class panoramic picture. On the cutest boy in school.
18. In 8th grade I fell in front of the ENTIRE school while dancing to ‘Yellow Submarine’
19. I have a thing for drummers
20. My boyfriend’s house is haunted. The ghosts name is Chet. I think Chet is an asshole.
21. My mother caught me smoking when I was like 11. She made me eat them. My father brought me candied cigarettes as a joke. My mother hit him with them. I didn’t smoke again until I was 24.
22. My imaginary friend’s name was Penelope.
23. I had a cat named Poo who ran away. I was convinced he ran away to the North Pole to eat snow. He really ran away because I would put him in the toilet and stuck him down my diaper.
24. I would pour my spagettios down my diaper too. I guess to save them for later.
25. My favorite song when I was little was Boy Georges “Coma coma coma Cameleon”
26. I had a crush on the kid form the Goonies and pretended I couldn’t breathe so I could have an inhaler too. I couldn’t convince my doctor.
27. I pretended I fell while rollerblading. Made up the entire thing and the doctor took X-rays and put on a pink cast. I soaked it off in the hot tub 3 days later.
28. I use to tell people that my Mothers orange Kool-aide mustache was her accessory of choice. You know, like your CTR ring.
29. I use to wear a CTR ring to fit in on the playground. I had no clue what it meant.
30. I played Puck in a Midsummer’s Nights Dream.
31. I want to go to Thailand.
32. I love Brussels sprouts.
33. I have been stung by a bee twice. Each time I stepped on one.
34. When I was in a car accident at age 5, I hit my face on the wind shield. I wasn’t wearing a seat belt because I was wearing a pink hula hoop dress and didn’t want to crinkle it. I kept shrieking to the paramedics “My poor beautiful face!!”
35. I use to play an old Monkees Record on my grandmothers record player over and over and over to ‘Day dream believer’
36. My grandfather taught me how to ride my bike.
37. I was convinced I would marry Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block.
38. My old boss waived a shotgun at me once in a bar parking lot.
39. I knew I would Love my boyfriend the minute I laid eyes on him
40. I was married for two years. Then I met my boyfriend.
41. I am only competitive when it comes to how cute I look compared to other women.
42. I think Whiskey tastes like a grandfathers burp.
43. Farts make me laugh.
44. I think Family Guy is the most creative television show ever produced.
45. I want to be cremated. Note: If anyone puts me in an open casket I will haunt the hell out of you!
46. I would like to live in another state for awhile.
47. I wish I had a boat.
48. I rarely make the right decision. (Perhaps it’s because I don’t wear that CTR ring)
49. I love my car.
50. I could be a cowgirl.
51. I take slutty women personally.
52. I don’t care much for Oprah.
53. I wish I lived on the set of the Brady Bunch.
54. I wish the Jetsons and Fragel Rock were still on television.
55. Halloween is my favorite holiday. I don’t know why. I get upset every year at the fact that finding a costume that doesn’t resemble a Las Vegas call girls apparel is out of the question.
56. I like to drink wine from regular cups.
57. I plug my nose when I take shots.
58. I can’t say pneumonia or aluminum right
59. I get car sick if I look away from the road
60. I am a prude. Or so my boyfriend tells me.
61. I have never seen my mother and step Dad kiss that goes for my Grandparents to.
62. My mother told me I looked like a ten cent hooker once when I wore red nail polish. I have never worn it since.
63. I wish I had never cut my hair.
64. I bore easily
65. I was born without patience
66. My right pinky toe is miss shaped.
67. Tommy Hilfiger cologne smells like wet quarters to me.
68. I ate octopus once and it stuck to my tongue.
69. I was locked in a trunk.
70. It grosses me out when people lick things. Popsicles, envelopes, ice cream etc...
71. I cried in the movie I am Legend
72. Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind is my favorite film.
73. I have a girl-crush on Jennifer Needles, the lead singer from Sugarland.
74. I have a regular crush on Robert Downy Junior. Oddly enough my boyfriend looks absurdly similar to him.
75. I think we should have a country wide nap time every day in the middle of the day like Spain and Mexico has. We should also be able to drink wine for lunch.
76. I love ethnic food.
77. I have never owned a big girl purse. Only tote bags.
78. I had my tongue pierced for 1 whole day.
79. I attract addicts.
80. I think Red bulls taste like wet smartees
81. I think I look terrible in Black
82. I like to copy other people but hate when someone copies me
83. I kill plants when I try to grow them
84. I can’t make Minute rice or mashed potatoes
85. I am not a very good decorator
86. Women usually don’t like me very much.
87. I am very animated
88. I am an unorganized Virgo. I think it’s because my Dad teased me so much when I was younger about being a Virgo.
89. I enjoy scheduled spontaneity
90. I don’t like it when things don’t go the way I wanted them to.
91. I want to one day go to the airport and buy one of the only available tickets to wherever it is going and go.
92. I love Yoga. But lose focus.
93. I don’t enjoy Breakfast foods. I usually eat cheetos and a Dr Pepper.
94. I loved sushi until I drank a bottle of Saki and puked it all over the dashboard of my car.
95. I love to watch Crime T.V.
96. I don’t like Harry Potter.
97. If you wan to piss me off wear socks with sandals and take me to Wal Mart.
98. I hate waiting in lines
99. I don’t think Roller Coasters are fun
100. I played catch with my hamster when I was little and still feel really really bad about it. He didn’t die... but still...
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Because of my resent and pesky funk I have emerged into, I have decided to make a list of all the little things that make me smile. I thought that this may help transcend me into my usual partially positive, life~isn’t~so~bad~a~tude. Here It goes.
Clean, fresh, smell-good, downy soft sheets.
My Boyfriends laugh.
My Grandfather’s jokes.
My Grandmothers eye rolls at my Grandfathers jokes
Rainy days and nowhere to go
My little sisters homemade Oreo cookies
I dream of Jeanie and The Brady Bunch Re runs.
A fresh homemade watermelon kamikaze with good friends.
Tomato Sandwiches. With toasted wheat bread, Fresh Basil, salt & pepper and cream cheese.
A brand new pair of socks. Straight from the package.
A good-morning, good afternoon, or hello beautiful text message. ( I reckon it can say anything as long as Beautiful follows)
The song “Little ways” by Dwight Yoakam.
Genuineness( If its not a word, It is Now! )
Eric's kisses.Any kiss but I especially love the ones he gives me only every once in awhile where he closes his eyes and gives me multiple smooches all in a row on the mouth, cheek, forehead and head.
Little teeny tiny figurines.
The smell of patchouli oil. ( Yes, I shave my armpits!)
Any song by the Judds.
Old Photos of my Mother.
My Great Grandmothers patchwork quilt.
Pimento Cheese Sandwiches and Beanie Weenies.
A cigarette after an ice cold beer along side good conversation
The way my Father smells.
A blackberry swirled soft serve ice cream cone from Warrens.
A package with my name on it.
Ducks crossing the road all in a row.
Being woke up by sunlight flooding into a room.
A brand new outfit.
Steve Miller Bands lyric “ I really love your peaches wanna shake your tree”
A new hair-do
The smell of Pine trees
The airport. There you can find people at their truest moments. There is nothing better than people watching in an airport.
Dancing to Elvis
My 1970’s orange, brown and green chair. It rocks. Literally.
Haunted houses ( after I get done crying )
Experiencing goosebumps on my heart ( I have only experienced this while at church watching Eric play his drums and while in the mountains talking about God with my Dad)
Butterflies ( Real and Figurative )
Old movies. The classics. ( Like..Goonies, Wild Hearts Can’t be broken, Steel Magnolias, Legend, Babes in Toyland, Labyrinth, The Princess Bride, The man in the moon, Fried Green Tomatoes, The never Ending Story, Dirty Dancing and Ghost)
The big, hairy, almost heart shaped Red monster from the old Looney Tunes. ( You know what I am talking about, teenage girls rat there hair nowadays almost exactly like this guy)
Boating ( With Dramamine in hand )
Playing like a child ( My boyfriend and I do this often)
Crying a good cry.. like the one when my Baby Nephew was born
Playing dress up
Seeing an elderly couple hold hands
Little drink umbrellas
My Meme’s mashed potatoes and fried green tomatoes.
Chicago dogs and Big League chew at a baseball game
Cotton Candy Bubbalicious bubble gum
A cozy cotton hoody
The song 'Brown Eyed girl'
The memory of Eric and I's first date " Welp.. See ya later"
A bottle of Beaujolais out of dixie cups
Windows down with my feet on the dashboard
When people read what I write and like it.
To name a few and in no particular order…
Holy Moly.. It worked!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I need an attitude adjustment. That statement alone should be able to clue you all in to how my last few weeks have been going. But in case you are a moron, things are SHITTAY Yes, so crappy that I had to special-spell the layman's term of Shitty.
One: I fainted. Collapsed. Then plundered onto the hard, hot cement outside of the local watering hole in front of actual real live breathing people. I don’t know what happened. Ironically the doctors have no clue either. ‘It could have been the heat, dehydration, locked knees, or stress.’
Well... Seeming how I didn’t do shit all day all long that pretty much eliminates suggestion #1. I drank plenty of Dr Pepper, sprite and water so, No to #2. and while we are on the subject of drinking, I know what you are probably thinking. Rian at the watering Hole? How many Kamikazes’ did she have? 2. Which if you know anything about me at all you know that 2 Kami’s would do nothing to me. SO NO! I WASN’T INTOXICATED! Stress? Now, that may have something to it.
So there I was lying on the hot, hard cement outside of the local watering hole. My friends and foes and complete who the hell are you’s standing around my unresponsive body and the bouncer doing sternum rubs to get me to respond. It’s still unclear to me if I was in fact not breathing. Either way it felt like I’d imagine a tractor to the chest would feel. I awoke to pain and gawking faces and my head being held by the big burley door dude. Immediate reaction. Pissed! Let go of me! Why the hell are you holding my head?! Stare hard retards!Let me up! Yes I know my name idiot!
After the paramedics came and I refused to be transported to the ER in their ‘take every last dime you have’ mobile. My sweet boyfriend came to my rescue and filled my mind with scary what if you die like that Natasha brod stories. So, after they had me real good and paranoid my boyfriend, my good friend Krisi and Mike took me to the ER.
We sat down as a rather large man was rolled into the room by a weighed down wheelchair. Never have I felt sorry for an inanimate object before this day. The man looked as if he had been on a shower strike since 1951. And the moan this man was letting out was one of the most terrifying sounds I have ever had to listen to. MURRRAAARRGGGH over and over and over again. You would have thought that this mans lower half was separating and running away from his upper half. Ironically when the Nurse left the room the wailing ceased. This guy ought to get the Academy award along side his Oxycodone refill. The nurse took me back to a room first. Me. The girl wanting to go home insisting she was fine over the theatrical elephant man. Sucker.
The four of us waited in the room until a Doogie Howser look alike strolled in. I insisted I knew how it appeared but (I’ll say it again for those in the back who had a hard time hearing me before) I was NOT drunk! He took blood, wanted a CAT scan, X-ray’s the whole sha-bang. After my last ER visit I know an aspirin is about the same price as a down payment on a house so I asked him to please do only what he thought was absolutely necessary. A comment like that is like asking Abercrombie and Fitch if their 250 dollar jeans will make you breakfast in the mornings. Bringing cost into the equation made the doctor and his nurse hate my ever loving guts. But after 3 hours I received a clean bill of health with exception of having a significant concussion.
Over the next 5 days I felt dizzy, nauseous, spacey, dreamy, weak, confused along side a pounding brain rattling headache. It was heaps of fun.
I missed work. Two days of it. To make a long story short they are not at all happy with me. I think they must have been sitting way way way way in the back when I explained before that no, I didn’t pass out because I was drunk. Why? because I WASN’T DRUNK!
Regardless of my explaining I have gotten the cold shoulder since from every one at work. It’s August and I am in need of a parka.
On another note, a very off- key awful note..My Boyfriend and I found a cute little precious House. We applied. We got it. We set the move in date for September 1st. August 3rd we got word that my boyfriends work is out of work. Everyone knows no work, no money. No money, no house. No house, DAMN IT! Because living with your father when about to turn the ripe ole age of 27 is AWESOME.
I don’t get paid enough to sit by Satan who is parading around as Jack Nicholson all day to carry us for even a minute and it certainly doesn’t help that I have been running around town waving my credit card around like a physcopath to every new T-shirt that comes into view. And I still owe the ER a couple Hundo from my last visit where I was given a dose of magic Benadryl.
So if you have asked me in the past 2 weeks how I am and I have said "great, "fine", "good", "wonderful", "dandy" or even "ok" I was lying to you. I have now came to the realization that denial is not just a river in Egypt. I am mad. About lots of things. Pretty much in regards to everything. I have a real bad case of the F-it's.
Lately, my Mother’s side of the family in me has surfaced and all I can do is think... You’re 27 and live with your parent! You are broke, This is not AT ALL what you had in mind, life sucks, then ya die, and your hair is ugly!
Who wants to blow some sunshine up my ass?