Friday, February 12, 2010

Romance?? You can shove your romance!

Valentine’s day again??? Boy, am I ever so glad. Valentine’s day is my favorite!! After all it’s a totally legitimate rational and logical holiday to celebrate.
I mean, Who doesn’t want a box of creamed, pureed sugar flavored like fruit covered in milk chocolate all packaged up in a pretty little box alongside a bouquet of $10 walmart lily’s probably grown by illegal aliens being held captive by that floating yellow smiling head, and a tender little card reading “you’re my one and only” ironically sold at the store at 3 for a dollar? Who?!?!… a morbidly obese person in the hospital that’s who!!!
That’s right peep’s, I am still bitter. Last year I composed a cynical collaboration of my thoughts on Valentine’s day and couldn’t not do it again this year. You’re welcome. It will cost you a bag of cheetos and chocolate cupcakes.
This year I’m doing it a little different. This past week I went to Victoria’s secret and racked up $87 in sexy underwear and a fantastic bra that turns my acceptance as president into the ity bity titi committee titties into epic tits. I’m still puzzled as to why because come February 14th I will be at home, sporting my fabulous bra and sexy skivvies under an old tee shirt and my fleece pajama bottoms, parked on my sofa with my 2 felines and puppy covered in cheeto dust and a buzz from the $4 bottle of wine I purchased, whilst enjoying ewwy gewwy chick flicks.
I have been asked out, but have kindly declined. Why? Because the boys who desire me are the epitome of douche!
So my valentine is my dog, Olive. Who happens to be just about the cutest , sweetest thing on earth. Who is always excited to see me, always showers me with kisses and loves me unconditionally. I have found the secret to happiness ladies. Puppies, junk food, wine and movies. Now, if only I could get her to quit eating the cat poop… I’d really have it all.
Slowly but by day.. I am becoming that much closer to my destiny as the crazy cat lady. Given, It’s a little earlier than I had anticipated but I am ok with it. I enjoy my own company. I happen to to be the funniest person I know.
I am not yet at that totally pathetic stage. I still go out. And every once and a while I get asked for my telephone number. And 9 times out 10 I give out my alias.. Petunia. And my alias digits 458-5669. And when the unsuspecting boar has the slightest bit of suspicion that I might be lying I’ll spit out my patent line “Please don’t laugh at my name, I received enough ridicule in grade school on the playground” And then he chuckles and puts his arm around me and 9 times out of 10 gushes about the sushi date he’ll treat me too. And I roll my eyes and wonder how it is that every man offers the exact same things.. Is there an article in the latest Maxim that claims the promise of sushi will make the chicks swoon? And if you compliment them on their eyes and call them sexy they will cream themselves and do you right then and right there on the bar floor?? I am astounded even more with each man I meet.
It is my firm belief that this generation has gone downhill considerably. Men and women have no concept of monogamy or commitment. The mentality this day and age is so self centered an me,me,me its nauseating. At the first inclination of trouble people pack their bags and call it quits. Or rather, end up banging their assistant or neighbor. Can you even imagine how many beautiful things we as people are missing out on simply because we refused to see the tough times through? I know I too have pulled out my white flag of surrender too prematurely, ran away and turned my back much too soon. And then, with the ‘what might have been’s’ I am left a heavy hold on my heart.
With every outing to the bar you can have front row tickets to the evidence of the grass is always greener phenomenon. As married men catch a glimpse of a fresh new drink of water and tug desperately at their wedding band and slip it into their jeans pocket. Then, waltzing over to the hot little number they make small talk, tell her how beautiful her eyes are and how sexy she is and lure her in with the promise of a lavish sushi dinner.
Women astonish me just the same. Leaving their wedding ring on their dresser tucked neatly away in their jewelry box .Then, finding the most visually pleasing top in their wardrobe and slipping on their hooker boots then heading to the bar. Then once among the men they smile and giggle and hang on to every word that comes out of the men’s mouths and then they seductively turn to their girlfriends and start kissing them all in hopes I guess, that the men sprout a boner and offer them a drink, tell them their eyes are beautiful and go on and on about how sexy they are and promise them a sushi dinner. They will worry about the lie they’ll weave with their husbands and the sitter they will need to find later.
*Rolls her eyes* Happy Valentine’s day everybody! ~Cheers~
You can leave the bag of cheetos and the chocolate cupcakes on my porch.