Monday, March 30, 2009

I'm a woman of means by no means

This is a blog to let you all know that I am happy.
I have officially had it up to here ( holds her hand high way above her head ) having to explain and defend myself.
Over the last year or soish. I have done some soul searching. I have read books, I have watched movies, read magazines, done yoga, gone on trips, spent time alone and with others, hiked, prayed, laughed and cried. Things have changed. I have changed and some things are just as they were.
I know exactly what it is I want in life.
I don't want to be complacent. I don't want to shrug my shoulders and think 'this'll do'. I don't want to settle with anything.
I want to have passion and I want to experience the High's and the Low's and the sometimes rocky, but well worth the bumps road with the ability to handle it all with grace.
I never have been the girl to chose the easy middle road of anything.
I enjoy the curves, and the bumps, and the divots and the sharp turns in life. Smooth and breezy seems rather dull and boring if you ask me.
I have taken a few other turns, leading me to different roads but somehow.. it always detours me right back to here.
I choose to stay on my un-paved, unknown destination, rocky road. Because I have never laughed harder than there. I have never cried harder than there. And I missed it. And this time I threw the atlas right out of the window. I just want to cruise for awhile. This road has character. Although, sometimes its unpredictable.. It has everything I'll ever need.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Last chance for one more dance

I don't think about you everyday. (I just lied right there)
There are days when I will think about what an asshole you were...Or how lonely I was with you there. Days when you won't cross my Mind until I pass somewhere we once went. A street we once drove on. I run into someone we knew. Someone mentions your name. These things happen every single day, A few times a day. Because 3 years amounts to alot of memories. Then there are the days where I miss laying in bed with you, laughing. The jokes we had and even after the 600th time of hearing them we still laughed. Our Dog. Hearing you make up the words to songs. The passion we shared. The way you smell. Your voice.
I miss you.
I know all of our apparent incompatibilities by heart. I know all the reasons we couldn't make it work. I know that after 5 months these problems don't disappear. I know people rarely change. But, that never changed my hope that maybe one day we could.
How is it possible that two people can love each other so intensely and not work out? It just doesn't seem fare. We have tried. Both of us have tried so hard. But we always seem to end up in that soul punishingly miserable place inevitably.
I stayed for years in fear that I would walk out of that door and never feel that way about someone again. I haven't and I don't know if I ever will.
Can you have more than one love of your life?
If, not then I lost it. But I had it. I was one of those lucky ones that Loved with all of me.
I can't wrap my mind around the fact that its true. Love sometimes isn't enough. And sometimes enough is finally enough. And 'too late' does exist.
I want a 50/50 man. I want a marry me man. A give me a baby man.
I want a white picket fence and dinner on the table, Saturday nights in our jammies with cold beer, inside jokes, kisses and movies. I want a relationship of trust, intimacy and passion. I want to build a life with someone and not just be a part of one.
I want you. But I know you also have your wants and your needs and I am truly sorry I couldn't change. Please don't think I haven't tried to give you everything.
For a minute, I thought that we had it this time. I imagined us back together again. I imagined you lifting my Vail. I imagined a future together. But then, I realised imagination is nothing more than spiced up expectations.
I love you My Mr Big.
Miss me.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Singing birds on St Patricks day in hot Lava

This song seems rather fitting for where I am now, not where I was in the last post.. things have changed a bit.

"For the life of me I can't believe
That you're on your knees beggin' please
All the pushing' away and puttin' down
Can't you see you're gettin' the run around
Oh it's plain to see you'd rescue me
From my loneliness so called unhappiness
Oh I didn't mean to cause you pain
I've got nothin' to lose and nothin' to gain

And don't waste your heart on a wild thing
She's got a soul that won't settle on one thing
Whoa this bird can't sing when you've tied its wings
Don't waste your heart on me

It's funny how the girls get burned
And honey as far as I'm concerned
The tables have turned

And don't waste your heart on a wild thing
She's got a soul that won't settle on one thing
Whoa this bird can't sing when you've tied its wings
Don't waste your heart on me

And I'm here to apologize
My heart can't compromise
Don't waste your heart on me" ~ Dixie Chicks

Maybe it was my weekend spent in lava. The hot mineral water washed away any desire to be in any kind of relationship. And I realised that I already had a soul mate. A few actually. My girlfriends.

We arrived in Lava and made our first stop at the local liquor store. We bought immense amounts of airplane sized bottles of vodka, Rum and Kahlua and bottles of wine. We then made our way over to the Hot Pots which were located conveniently right across the street from our little motel.

Turns out I am allergic to whatever minerals are in those steamy hot pools. My legs swelled up and turned tomato juice red and felt as if I had spent an hour soaking in liquid hot magma. An hour and a cold shower later I was fine. I think the beer helped in putting out the fire.

We read our cards, read a cosmo, laughed and joked and then headed to the local watering hole and ate the greasiest best most wonderful cheeseburgers on earth. Drank a few beers and made our way back to the Motel room to shoot down our wee little bottles of booze.

Back at the bar we danced our hearts out to Dier Straights, Steve Miller Band and Van Morrison cover songs. Tawni puked in her shoes at 10:15 but after a change of clothes and a rinse of the shoes we were back at it by 11:00.

It must have been the many mini bottles and mixing of different flavors of vodkas that channeled our inner alter-ego's. Because before the night was through I was a Police Officer and Krisi was a sheep herder and Tawni was a kindergarten teacher. I shared stories to the local lava boys with 6 teeth sporting cigarette apparel of growing up on Kris's farm artificial inseminating cow's. Somehow her Donkey Cletus and Pig Petunia were my inspiration to take down the bad guys.

The next morning I woke up with a hangover that took over my entire body. And a bruise on my knee the color of Barney. It was a mystery to me as to how I received such a Battle wound until Tawni reminded me of my Risky Business slide across the dance floor to the song 'Good time Rock n' Roll' At least it was fitting, although a pair of Ray Bans and whitey tighties would have made it a huge success.

The ride home was long and ungodly bright. I rested in bed all Sunday and all Monday. And last night I decided that I am 100% complete. 100% Content just as I am. I don't need a man to be happy. In fact, this singletude is actually pretty awesome. I don't have to answer or explain myself to anyone. I don't have to have in depth conversations about feelings or the future. Because, it's a mystery.
I don't have to worry about what the other is thinking or doing, or argue over misinterpretations. I never experience let downs or put Downs. I can go to Lava, or Zions, or hell California on a whim. I can spend money on shoes I don't need instead of dinners and movies for 'us'. And I can dance with whoever I want come Saturday night and go for drinks with a handsome stranger if I so happen to stumble across one who asks. My tomorrow is completely unpredictable and open to anyone or anything to come into it.
Happy St Patricks Day

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Where I'm at..

"What does she have that I don't?"
"Its what she doesn't have Rian."
It was in that moment that I lost them. Expectations. I haven't had one since. And I don't want to ever have them again.
It took me 2 years to find the beauty of letting go.
I still don't know when I'll be able to trust someone again.
After the 1500th lie one finds it hard to forgive. Even if it is human nature to lie, I have an inability to listen to them. But still somehow manage to allow them into my life time and time again. No more. Never again.
Just when I said I couldn't let anyone in. I did.I let down my wall and I confused Butterflies with Moths.
Now I have an extra super hootie duty wall built up and I soaked it with bug repellent.
I guess I'm just not ready for very much quite yet.
I am learning so much about myself. I have been needing this transition. For the first time in my life I feel grounded. Safe. Happy. Healthy and free.
Please be patient with me.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Repost on the worms with wings

I am re-posting this because I read it again. And I love it. And it still holds true.I added a few new ideals.
" Some people are settling, some people are settling down, and some people.. refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies. " ~Sex in the city
Butterflies. . . We all seem to be chasing them. We find them and in no time at all they are gone. Maybe we all need stronger nets?
I decided to do a little research on these sought after little creatures. I thought that there had to be some truth to the figurative idea of 'butterflies' to the real ones.
Fact:They are a very short lived little things. They live only one week and in some lucky cases to a year. At most. A year?! Thats it?? And another point that my wise friend Steph brought to my attention. "Butterflies are amazing little creatures.. Take the Monarch butterfly. That silly little bug flies crossed continents. And what's more amazing then bugs that can fly crossed the ocean? Those little bugs return to not only the same place but the same branch they hatched on to leave their eggs. But let's not make them anymore then they are... winged worms not worth grieving over"
So, I have found myself asking, Are butterflies really what I should be searching for? And, How much importance should that warm and fuzzy, zippidy dooo daa, on top of the world singing from the rooftops, or, in Tom Cruises case, Oprah Winfrey's couch really hold?
I have had the Butterflies. I have experienced the 'love at first sight' feeling. The attraction so strong you could just pass right out on a bar floor full of peanuts because he actually spoke to you. And the stumble over your words, toe jam eating, awkward conversation because your words just won't come out right with your heart pit-pattering and skipping beats.
But, then.. the butterflies die. And their passing has sometimes been so devastating I feel as if I should hold a funeral service in their memory and cater a dinner with cold cuts and funeral potatoes to draw in my family and friends to join me in this pity-party. And after the butterflies croak your words won't come out right because you are to busy contemplating where you are going to bury his body. (kidding) kind of..
What I'm getting at is maybe, just maybe Myself, and many other women have it all wrong. Perhaps, maybe.. the butterflies don't mean forever. Maybe the attraction does fade away. And the passion and the fire eventually flicker out. .. and, it could be that the men on white horses serenading us into the sunset will really only benefit us in picking out outfits.
Maybe love is found in a comfy reliable dependable place. Where no makeup or cleavage is required. I wouldn't mind finding my 'monarch' The one who could fly crossed oceans and still come home to my branch to our eggs. BUT..
All I know is.. Im retiring my butterfly net... And looking for someone to wear the other half of my BFF Heart necklace.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Sabbatical from all things that suck

I am exhausted. This week has been busy and each night later than the one before.
Last weekend I was able to spend some time with my little Sisters. I also had an uncomfortable encounter with a condom (long story) I still have a hard time understanding why men carry them in the pocket of their britches as if a sexual encounter is always around the corner and completely unpredictable.
I also found out that to men tube socks are used for more than just solitary singular 'sexy-time's'. When in a tanning bed they serve as a protective tool. Men are such handy little buggers.
I don't know why I found this so hysterical. Maybe the image of a man lying entirely naked with only those silly little protective glasses that make you look like a bugs life re- creation of the matrix and a long tube sock protecting his ween. HILARIOUS.
I also declared myself on sabbatical on Monday. I had this great idea to take a much needed break from bars, alcohol and parties. 8 hours later badabing badaboom I had a beer in my hand. *Pats herself on the back*
I booked me and my ladies a mini Va-k for next Saturday. We will be driving to Lava Hot Springs to melt away in hot mineral baths, eat Chinese take out and drink our cares away in an old-time cowboy saloon. Perfect. I think I am gonna pack my cowboy boots and my Obama fo yo Mama Tshirt and make a real entrance.
I have a crush. On a cute, classy, handsome, has a head on his shoulders(not that i have dated headless torso's) but he has a job, a car, a home, a dream that doesn't reach only as far as Saturday night for the next opportunity to blow his friends away by smashing Budweiser cans on his forehead.
So I am sure you know what this means, yes. I am analyzing this guy like a potential bacterial flu strain trying to find something wrong with him, what his motives are and what he could possibly be hiding. It's been a little over a week. I have yet to find anything.
*BLUSHES* I think I may have fallen into a giant puddle of smitten.
My Mother is out of the hospital. She is still sick. But Better.
No word from any assbags. The air feels so much fresher nowadays.
My Job is getting better day by day. I think I am going to be very happy here from now on.
My relationship with Yoga has been dwindling. It makes me sad. But I have been so involved with family and the dude that I haven't had the time. Maybe next week. But I am not holding my breath. I will more than likely turn blue.
This weekend I am going to hang out with friends and have dinner with family, get my hair did and rent Fraggel rock and cover my bed in cheeto dust.
I anticipate it to be nothing short of fantastic.