Thursday, December 24, 2009

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind..

Sometimes I guess, you have to touch the fire before it burns out.

And sometimes, you let your hand sit there for a really long time. Long after the flame flickers out and the coals have been drenched with water and the smoldering smoke has died down. And then you sit there shifting through the debris praying to God to find some warmth left. You find nothing. And then, it hits you that your hand F’ing hurts! And that piece of shit fire is the one that burnt you! So you kick dirt on it and pour more water on top of the cold coals and curse its name and walk inside and lock the door and turn on your heater and crawl under the covers because who the hell needs a fucking fire these days anyway??

Yes. I went through a breakup.
Yes. Another one. ( Please hold back your astonishment)
Yes. For good this time.
Yes. It hurt a bit.
Yes. I am actually Just fine.

It’s funny how fine I am in all honesty. I guess the old saying holds true, but with a little twist when it comes to my circumstance.
You don’t know what you DON’T have until its gone.
I won’t go into the details of what happened. Because quite frankly, I don’t understand. One thing I do understand is that loving a person shouldn't be so rough.
Also,I can tell you Breakups are so much easier when the other person changes. They are even easier when it’s a complete transformation. And before you know it you don’t even know the person anymore because somehow or another they managed to lose all the things you were so much in love with somewhere along the way.
I can’t quite understand how he lost all of those things. Perhaps he sat them down somewhere and forgot where he put them, or maybe he threw them away, or they were taken.. whatever happened it’s a shame. I hope he finds them again someday.
I remember all the times we swore we would never give up on us again, but it is hard to keep that promise living with the memory of how someone use to be.
I feel so much different this time around. The tears were minimal and the pain was short lived.
My friends and my family have been so supportive through it all. Even those friends I have never really considered close stepped up and helped me more than they will ever know.
I can’t help but smile when I run into our mutual friends and in their kind voices and concerned expression they reassure me that I will be ok and things will get easier and tell me how great I look and how great I am doing. Their concern and sincerity is very much appreciated, but I AM ok. I am great in fact.
I am not the one who needs their pity. Granted, I made the mistake of choosing to love the wrong man.. but that was then and this is now and I don't love him anymore.
I worry about him, sure. I wish him well and hope with my whole heart he finds whatever it is he is looking for. Lord knows we didn't set out again to say goodbye. So no hard feelings, No regrets.
I think of him rarely because, I have a good life now that I have moved on.
* Cheers *
May 2010 bring us all much happiness and better luck.