Monday, January 18, 2010

Li' waynes pullin me through.

I never thought I'd be here. I mean, I totally knew I would have a darling little home of my own at the ripe old age of 27. But I never, pictured having it alone.
The idea of this house was so picture-perfect. And the sense of pride and accomplishment that came with preparing for it was nothing short of amazing. But after all my things were moved in and my friends had gone home. The reality hit me like a shit ton of bricks being dropped off of a bull dozer.
Life sure throws us for loops. I thought with such certainty that My Mr. Big and I would have it all despite of us not having it all together. Then I guess 'life' happened as it always seems to do and he has taken a different road and I am starting on a new one solo.
But.. in the words of Lil' Wayne.. 'Life is like a roller coaster then it drops you. But, why should I scream for this is my theme park'???
I just miss some things that came along with a relationship. No, Excuse me.. Not a relationship because the last thing on earth I want right now is another one of those. But with loving someone. No, Excuse me again, not just someone, because I suppose if I wanted just someone I could have that and the thought of just a someone makes me a little queasy. I guess.. It's.. him.
Loving a person whole heartedly is an amazing phenomena. If ever given the chance I highly suggest taking it. Its a feeling like no other on earth. To look at a person and just love every bit and every piece of them. To listen to every word and care so much about what they are saying. To laugh with someone. To lay with that person. To make love to that person. To imagine growing old with them and having babies with them. To knowing that whatever kind of bullshit happened that day they could help bring you back from it with a simple joke. To the safe secure feeling their embrace could provide. That, I miss that.
And, ya know.. I'm not so certain I will ever find that again. And it scares the hell out of me. Because having someone love you that way is fantastic but nothing compares to you feeling it. Nothing. And me being who I am can not settle for anything less than that. My heart is incapable of compromise.
So maybe I will be alone. Forever. Up on the hill with my two cats and puppy drinking wine from the bottle, eating top ramen, mowing my lawn in my bikini and sombrero singing "Copacabana", flipping off my neighbors. But I'll be happy knowing I felt it once.
Even though now, some days, I wish he would suffer intense amounts of pain, move to Siberia, or be eatin by grizzly bears. There are other days I wish so much he would show up on my door step with a sign that says " I miss you. I love you. I am so sorry" I know that will never happen.
So, I'll date I guess. Although, I can't imagine being anyone Else's anything. I don't want to be any one's anything, especially any ones girlfriend. So bring on the Cheetos! Top Ramen, 7 dollar wine and copious amounts of chick flicks! And please bring on my girlfriends.. Lord knows I am gonna need em'.
*Cheers single life* I'm baaaack. Just a lot poorer.