Monday, April 27, 2009


This last weekend was as eventful as always. But one event in particular changed me. I literally felt something shift within me.
From the top.....
Thursday friends and I went to the local watering hole to watch the Utah Jazz Beat that arrogant string bean, Kobe Bryant. Friday and Saturday we returned to suck down more kamikazes leading to altercations, leading to my face getting punched/slapped by the craziest chick I have set my eyes on since high school. Awesome. She was just lucky her big beaked friend was there to hold me back. Otherwise.. well, her hair woulda got pulled and she'd have a few good-sized scratches. We all know I can't fight. I'm puney!
That experience led me to realise how un -into the bar scene I have become.
I also realised that I don't belong there anymore. I am back in a relationship with the love of my life, who is all I'll ever need or want or could ask for. Bars are for people who are single and looking. I'm neither of those two. And it is my belief that when in a relationship for respect of your better half you shouldn't indulge in that lifestyle without them there.. People are people and sometimes people are assholes. Especially when your cerebellum is swimming in booze. So, with exception of birthdays and special occasions I am putting my bar frequenting days behind me. And although our local watering hole holds a special little place in my heart because everyone knows my name and the drinks never run dry and familiar faces are a guaranteed find.. I think my life will be much better off without the weekly visitations.
So.. I am going to purchase one of those special little martini shakers and google me the recipe for those delicious tasty treats I enjoy so much on the weekends.
My pocket book will thank me and so will my liver. I imagine my relationships will become much more genuine/stable and real as well.
(yay...look friends.. I'm growing up)
Sunday I went to church. I had the most amazing experience there. I went to watch my boyfriend play in the church band. The music was absolutely awesome. The people were so nice and the energy that filled that room was infectious. Almost.. surreal. It has been a long time since I have been in a place where all you could feel was positive energy and love. That's when I felt something 'shift'.
Watching Eric play his drums, doing something he loves and doing it for something as great as faith was incredible.
I have had a very eccentric up bringing with religion. Growing up in Utah and not being a Mormon wasn't exactly a walk in the park. I use to wear a CTR ring on the playground just to fit in and avoid being teased. I remember one time a girl had yelled ' Don't touch her.. she is a christian' I can remember thinking.. wait?? You are too!!
Then My father ( One of the most spiritually enlightened men I know) would take my sisters and I hiking and talk about God and had us hug trees and honor the Great spirit. At the time I was certain one of the ferns had stolen his mind.
Ever since I could ask questions I have been questioning religions. .(Probably because I was a tree huggin hippie wearing a CTR ring going to Young womens then to Mass then reading about the Dali Lama)I have always been fascinated by them. But I wonder how something that is suppose to promote peace and love could cause so much animosity and so much blood shed and hatred and judgment.
I still have so many questions.
One question I have.. The question that stumps me the most. How can people say THIS is the true church? THIS is the only way to God? With how many billions of people there are in the world.. good people? People of faith but people who's faith may be different than yours. What about the Hindu's, Buddhist's, Taoist, Native American's or the Jews? Will they be denied Salvation because they were raised to have faith in God but practice their faiths differently or have different teachings but with very similar lessons?
That's the trouble I have with Christianity. I have a hard time with the notion of Christ being the only way to God. .
let me take ya back ....
Girls Camp. 10 years old. I begged my Mother to let me start going to Young Women's in order to go to camp with all my friends. She let me. I went. It was fun we put on skits and ate food and hiked. Then the last night was testimony night. My friend dared me and bribed me with braids in my hair to get up and bare mine. I obliged. I walked up to the wooden stage and began " I would like to bare my Testimony.. I am not sure if this church is true.. whoosh!! I was ripped up off that stage faster than a twinkie at fat camp. The next morning came and I didn't get a cinnamon roll at breakfast and was never invited to the girls activities again.
Point is.. I have always had questions. I think I always will. But I hope to always have an open heart and an open mind. The more I learn the more enlightened I hope to become.
In the meantime I just want to be a good, honest, happy, healthy, loving person. And surround myself in good company with the people I love.
I am looking forward to see where this little 'shift' will nudge me.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Mimes and The Mashed Potatoes.

I shouldn't drink Alcohol.
Or maybe it's just that I shouldn't guzzle down 20 shots of watermelon, sour apple, fruit punch and grape kamikazes all in one sitting. Not only did I taste the rainbow twice ( going down and up again the next morning) I also pulled my best friends hair, was shoved across a room, lost a clump of my own hair, chucked a ten dollar tip at whale of a woman, slid down an oak tree, said numerous things I didn't mean, made a complete and total asshole of myself, crossed a few lines, wore red sunglasses, hurt someones feel bads, hurt my own feels bads and fed copious amounts of tasty fruity drinks to my friends.
This all lead me to consider AA. I don't know why I act as if I haven't a thing to lose when drinking. I become my own worst enemy in the morning.
So instead of moving into the AlaNO, I am going to limit myself to only a few cocktails on the weekends. That way I don't lose anymore hair or worse.. an actual person I love.
So other than me parading around like a total jackass.. nothing else is really all that new.
EXCEPT.. I did cook!! An actual meal. It was edible and delicious. This is a huge accomplishment coming from the girl who manages to mess up minute rice EVERYTIME, throws mashed potatoes.. because, it's the only logical thing to do with a pot of runny milked spuds that can't be eaten, lives on lean cuisines and believes easy mac is the single most brilliant thing since cheese whiz. I made Campbell's Chicken and Rice. ( Go ahead roll your eyes ) simple, I know! But.. did you hear what I said??
R I C E??!!
Now that I am on the verge of domestication I think I'll go to my local nursery and purchase some perennials and a pot. Just one, I don't want to overwhelm myself trying out my green thumb.
If that goes well.. I may try painting my bedroom. Sewing on a button. Baking a pie.
Who knows, maybe I'll be the Food Networks next big star. Martha Stewart without the prison time. Wouldn't that be lovely? And No, I still wouldn't resemble Ms happy go peppy buy a sofa Brod.
I could make a living at cooking as long as I could eat all the food, be supplied with a personal trainer and lipo suction. It would defiantly beat my current career of sitting in silence for 40 hours weekly listening to the troubles of menopause and Metamucil. Positive note: I think I have enough practice hours in on silence that I could become a certified mime.
That's all for now.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Selection.. A girls best friend?

For the last couple months my friends have been teasing me about resembling Page Davis. My Friend Dave tried making me feel better by insisting her peppiness was hot. Every time a RC Willey commercial comes on I cringe. Because, If I am THAT Perky peppy then I have some serious remodeling of my own persona to do. And I sure as hell won't be calling Ms home improvement for help on my restoration.
I fail to see any resemblance whatsoever at all. Besides the fact that we both have eyeballs, hair, teeth and a forehead. Not to mention I couldn't remodel a home if my life depended on it. Home Depot has to be the most terrible place on the planet. The smell of saw dust, paint, plumbing and fertilizer in a place ran by lesbians and retired contractors who I swear have been trained to give the slowest customer service ever. Go in there and be prepared to spend 45 minutes just to buy a faucet. And decorating has never been my forte. I had a New Kids on the Block poster on my wall up until I was 20. So, I brushed it off thinking my friends drink too frequently.
Then.. in the last 2 weeks I have been told by total complete strangers that I look like Ms trading spaces, huge savings, peppy-make-me-throw-up, happy-go-lucky I wanna smack her with a sofa Rc willey Chick.
I have no idea why I take such offense to this comparison. But, if I hear it one more time.. so help me god!!!!
Word to the wise. If you happen to agree with the uncanny resemblance between Page Davis and I.. I would highly suggest you keep it to yourself. Otherwise, you may end up with a lampshade stuck up where the sun don't shine.
I kind of want to spend my next Saturday at the home furnishings store standing in front of the billboard next to the entrance, eating a free hot dog, taking a poll and smearing pickle relish on anyone who concurs.
Your home your way. :)

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Penguins with Margarita's

This is what I am chewing on today..
Why do people insist on giving their opinions? Advice and disapproval?
Did kindergarten teach you nothing besides paste is not to be eaten? If you have nothing nice to say.. say nothing at all.
That explains why I go 10 hours a day without uttering a word. *WORK*
I could get a wild hair up my biscuit and plan to pack my bags and move to India for a summer to become a professional yogi. Or go to Bermuda to take up Pirating. And as up surd as it may seem to you. Its not your life. It's mine. Regardless of the choices I make you will still be cozy in your life and all the 'right' decisions you have made. ( get me? )
So.. If I someday marry the man of my dreams who may not be whom you had envisioned for me. Too bad. Buy me something nice for my wedding, put on a dress and slap on a smile and love me anyway.
Also. .
I know this chick. I chose the word chick because I can't refer to the succubus as a woman. I am going to recant the 'know' and say 'am acquainted with'.
She is one of those individuals who's presence makes your skin crawl. Her eyes are proof that she is dead inside and her actions prove that she is an expert in sucking the souls out of men she encounters.
No exaggeration. And I am completely aware that I am contradicting the previous paragraph but I feel as if I am doing you peeps from the Internet a favor by warning you of these horrid things that infest our planet.
This woman has slept with more men in the little town I call home than the retired whores.
This woman sucked the soul out of someone very dear to me's man. Unacceptable.
Which brings me to another point.
Cheating. What in the hell is so difficult about keeping your willy in your pants?
Why is it an inconceivable notion to be faithful?
I think we all need to take observation of the penguin. One penguin will love and mate with just one other penguin FOR LIFE. With exception of the cold bitter terrain and the waddle I envy penguins.
I saw on the local news a while back a story about a penguin.. A picky female penguin who refused to mate and was the only single penguin in her pack. Another admirable trait.. Penguins refuse to settle. Or maybe she is a lesbian. Who's to say. But, there she is.. single, happy and not trying to waddle up on someone else's quin'.
They were allowing other zoo's to bring in male penguins to meet her for a potential 'mate'. . I hope she met her prince.
I need a deep margarita. A cheeseburger. A day off. The phone number to a hit man. A shovel. And I also need mouthwash. I gargled the last of it this morning. Then everything would be perfect.
This weekend is My little sisters Birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGY. I'll call her and sing seeming how she is a milion miles away.
It is also my Mother's Birthday. I called the Vatican and rented a priest to perform an exorcism. Look for the documentary next spring.
This weekend..I am going to watch a movie with my man. I am going to do laundry. I am going to drink a deep margarita. I am going to sleep in and take naps. I am going to go to Yoga. I am going eat carrot cake with my family and come Monday I'll be ready to sit out another 40 hours in complete silence saving the world one citation, one report and one blog at a time.

Put this in your hair and rub it around

The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest Medicine is the emptiness of everything.
the greatest action is not conforming to the world's ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest Patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with Results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.

I saw this yesterday and thought it great.
So great, I thought I would share.
You're very welcome.
Have a nice day.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Pants on Fire.

I have been thinking a lot about lies.
And this is what I think about them.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Do we as humans insistently continue to allow fabrications to fly from our mouths like poisonous acidic spit?
Every single last one of us is guilty of lying. Sometimes they are little ity bity ones. Sometimes they have no relevance and we don't even know why we said it. Other times, They are gigantic lies where we have to weave our way in and out of people to cover it up and set the stage for our facade to make it seem legit. Too legit to quit. Sometimes we lie to save our ass's or somebody else's ass. Sometimes to make ourselves look better. Sometimes there is no purpose. But in the end.. You always kinda look like a bag of assholes even if you are the only one who is looking.
The thing about lies is. . . They will come out. Its only a matter of time. And when that time comes, more than likely, someone is going to be really hurt.
I'm not sure of anything else that hurts worse than being lied to. It's a weird feeling. It's a mixture of betrayal, what am I an idiot?, Here.. let me help you get that knife deeper into my back, go ahead and kick me square in the crotch, why why why why why emotion. A combo meal of 'sucks real bad'.. if you will.
So why do we do it? Is our intentions initially right in making up our stories we tell? Do we do it to avoid hurting somebody, to avoid confrontation, to get a laugh or to impress a person? Maybe.
But, wouldn't it be so much better if we all could believe in what others said. Have that little thing.. what is it called? O yeah.. trust.
I know, I know, a money tree and jelly bean rain drops would also be fantastic.
I am one of those refuses-to-listen-to-lies-yes-I-told-my-fare-share-but-hates-it-anyways types. I have an inability to listen to them. When I ask a question I am looking to solicit an answer. And a truthful one. When I listen to somebody I hope it's honesty. But, growing up I had to listen to a luau of lies. Which has aided in me becoming a very inquisitive, doubtful detective of sorts. I hate this about myself. Because now, when a person says something there is always a shred of cynicism and wonder.
I'm infamous for stretching the truth in story telling. Spice it up with an insert here and there. I have even told bad lies. And I have hurt some people because of some I have told. I'm sorry for that.
This last week I have experienced lies being told about me. I have watched lies break my best friends heart. I have been hurt by one told to me. And I just wish that we could all try and be a little more honest. I wish some people would grow a back bone. I wish some people would seek an exorcism. And I also wish I had a money tree and some candied rain drops from time to time.
But until then, I'll just try and start with me. And be impeccable with the words I say.
End Rant.