Wishing

I thought I was moving on.. but with each step I seem to stumble.
I have been doing well.
I find comfort in my friends smiles, my new job, My fantastic family, the closing down of the local watering holes, the sunday Bloody Mary's( Thank you Jon, Lauren and Dave), My Ipod and those songs I can't help but play over and over again, Long Drives, Romantic movies, Books, and nights in my own room..
I even have found myself in the arms of someone new.
But, regardless I can't fool this fool
I believed that I was strong. But, now I'm left wondering..
What if?
I had lived in the moment more
I had laughed more
I had appreciated the little things.
I voiced my optimism's
What if I would have stayed?
Would it have changed your mind? Would you still love me today?
I wonder..
And then I turn to my friends, the bottle's left dry, The Walt Disney Fairy tale's, the advice's and the vices.
But then, sometimes, There are those times that it's just gotta be.. well, you.
What I would give to have you here with me again, to laugh like we did, to just be like we were.
I know the 'what might have beens' will drive you crazy, But not a day goes by that I don't think about you, us.
Somehow, no matter how much I try to forget or move on I still find myself waiting for you to call in the middle of the night, the morning and in the middle of the afternoon.
But, If you ask.. I am doing just fine sitting here wishing I didn't love you anymore.

Little Chickens..

My work had a Christmas party today. Alot of the officers brought their kids.
And as I was sitting here eating my mini weenies, meatballs and cold cuts I realized something.
I do want kids. There is no if, and's or but's about it.
I fell in love with these twin girls in their pink little jackets and sparkly snow boots and long brown hair sneaking hand full's of candy out of the candy jar giggling
I want one of those one day.
I am kind of sad actually, that I haven't had the chance to experience all that yet.
A good man, A wedding, A home, A big pregnant belly, A baby, Dress up, Tea Parties..
* Looks up * Why Not me?!?

Hanging from a telephone wire

To those of you who are liars..

I hope your pants catch on fire!

I bid you fucking adieu..

How to properly hate Christmas.

Avoid Shopping all together from November 28th to Mid January. And when I say avoid I mean bone bare Refrigerator, Empty Cabinets, Scrapping out pieces of deodorant, Eating Spam driving around an entire town to avoid the main streets, Ordering everything off the net, avoid.

Ordering things off the Net receiving them a week later only to open the box and find the things you ordered only they look as if they should be little trinkets for a happy little family of midgets. Every thing is bite sized. They should have a warning label in the checkout cart screen * Warning may be smaller than they appear on your little laptop monitor* Awesome. My gifts will put new meaning to have yourself a merry 'little' Christmas.

Last minute Shopping. F word. Bitch the whole way under your breath in your car the entire way to the mall, Enter the parking lot go up and down and up and down rows and rows of cars belonging to every god-for-saken person who resides in around or about Northern Utah. Find one! Sigh in relief.. press on the gas. Slam on your breaks to allow that little prick in the mini cooper who kicked your Scions ass to the only available spot left in the whole wide world. Time to pull out an explicit hand gesture and punch your steering wheel and yell at your emotionless car for losing. Move on. Find another one not guarded by an asshole. Enter the mall. Feel the panic rising through your body. Children are running around 'pee yourself' excited to sit on a man's lap who probably has been in jail 29 times since last holiday season and spends his times as a carnie the other 10 months out of the year. Dance the ' I'm going left.. no right.. no left WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING??! shuffle with at least 8 different strangers. Find the gift clutch onto your shopping bag so tight thinking if one more person brushes up against me, or hits me with their bag so help me god I'll shove something real joyful and Triupent right up their....
Make it your vehicle. Slam your head against the steering wheel aiming at the horn.


Every place you walk into you hear Christmas music, the Grocery, the restaurants, the gas stations, your friends car, your families, work, the Chinese restaurant even the Mexican joints are playing festive fiesta versions of jingle bells. I have heard 43 different remixes of Chestnuts roasting on a fire.. 43!

Exchanging gifts. Now often times I am lucky and my family and friends are way to gracious to me.. but sometimes, like last year you get a gift that makes you re -evaluate your whole persona because if this person looked at this and thought of me I have some terrible identity crisis's going on. And God forbid that I give a gift that makes someone consider counseling.

Why give gifts to people over 10 ?? Seriously.. we have plenty. We don't need anything. We would like to keep the money we would have, had we not purchased you that $20 gift card to Chili's in our pocket.. But, O how nice.. you got me a $20 gift card to the Olive Garden.Great. We basically just took our money and bought a Little plastic card representing a dinner and swapped it. Why not do us all a favor and save one another the trouble and just keep our $20 bucks. Or better yet donate it to a charity benefiting the people who can't afford oatmeal let alone a steak dinner?

And then Christmas day you have to make 14 different stops to see all your family in 13.7 minute Increments In order to make every ones Christmas get-together.

JOY TO THE WORLD
FELIZ NAVIDAD
PEACE ON EARTH
AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT

Cry me a river

So, I was dating this boy. Those of you who read my blog the first week it was up may notice that the mention of "The boy" is nowhere to be found anymore. Well, that's because I DELETED IT! Yep.. That's right. I am petty.
I also went as far to walk out into the garage pick up my fathers saw and was this close *holds up her fingers an inch apart* to cutting up his toothbrush he left at my house up into tiny little pieces. But then I thought that crazy, so I went into the bathroom and scrubbed the inside of the toilet bowl with it.. then placed it nicely in the bag with his other belongings.
I knew it was over weeks ago. I won't bore you with the details and reasons why. Because in all honesty the reasons hold no importance.. what does matter is that it didn't work, couldn't work and it's over.
I'm sure the butterfly blog below hinted at where I was with all of this.
I feel a little bad I must say, the only thing that brought tears to my eyes was the thought of the long, boring line at the post office I would be forced to stand in to return his Christmas gift.

* Cheers darlings.. To another door closing*

Now I know How T.V. dinners feel.

I feel as if I am living in a giant freezer.

Everything is frozen.. My car looks like the purple otter pop that has been in my freezer for 2 years, covered in freezer burn.

Getting to work today was a treacherous ordeal. I ice Skated to work in my toaster car.

I really don't care much for Winter. Which is terribly unfortunate seeming how I will continue to live in this bitter, frigid, soul numbing icebox until March.

Fantastic!

Flutterbies

" Some people are settling, some people are settling down, and some people.. refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies. " ~Sex in the city

Butterflies. . . We all seem to be chasing them. We find them and in no time at all they are gone. Maybe we all need stronger nets?

I decided to do a little research on these sought after little creatures. I thought that there had to be some truth to the figurative idea of 'butterflies' to the real ones.

Fact:They are a very short lived little things. They live only one week and in some lucky cases to a year. At most. A year?! Thats it??

So, I have found myself asking, Are butterflies really what I should be searching for? And, How much importance should that warm and fuzzy, zippidy dooo daa, on top of the world singing from the rooftops, or, in Tom Cruises case, Oprah Winfrey's couch really hold?

I have had the Butterflies. I have experienced the 'love at first sight' feeling. The attraction so strong you could just pass right out on a bar floor full of peanuts because he actually spoke to you. And the stumble over your words, toe jam eating, awkward conversation because your words just won't come out right with your heart pit-pattering and skipping beats.

But, then.. the butterflies die. And their passing has sometimes been so devastating I feel as if I should hold a funeral service in their memory and cater a dinner with cold cuts and funeral potatoes to draw in my family and friends to join me in this pity-party. And after the butterflies croak your words won't come out right because you are to busy contemplating where you are going to bury his body. (kidding) kind of..

What I'm getting at is maybe, just maybe Myself, and many other women have it all wrong. Perhaps, maybe.. the butterflies don't mean forever. Maybe the attraction does fade away. And the passion and the fire eventually flicker out. .. and, it could be that the men on white horses serenading us into the sunset will really only benefit us in picking out outfits.

Maybe love is found in a comfy reliable dependable place. Where no makeup or cleavage is required.

All I know is.. Im retiring my butterfly net... And looking for someone to wear the other half of my BFF Heart necklace.

The who's

The cat

The Meme.

The Dad.

The Best Friend

The Baby Sister

The Megy Sister

There are many other important people who play important roles in my life and whom mean the world to me.. I just lack their mugshots. But no sweat.. I'll get them. mwahahahaha

Steph!
Krisi!

Poppa!

Angie!

Tawni!

Im comin for ya.

Iam probably one of the most fortunate chicks on earth. Why? Because of my peeps.

Not my first, Not my Last.

I had a blog prior to this one. My lack of patience and lack of understanding on how this site works led to it's deletion. Maybe this go-around I'll have some better luck.

The name's Rian. pronounced 'Ryan'. Yes, like a boy. My Mother was confused. I am a 26 year old dreamer who has not a clue where I am going or what I am doing. There are days when I consider going back to school to become a journalist, travel around the world reporting stories of truth or publish a book about the eccentrically exciting dramatically entertaining life I have lead. From family to Boys to jobs to cats to friends to mashed potatoes, my life never seems to settle down. Other days, I think about medical assisting or radiology. That usually lasts only a day or two until reality hits me and I remember that I lack that little thing called compassion. About once a month I consider packing up a backpack, heading to the airport, closing my eyes and point on a map and just go.. be a professional nomad. And as much as I want to, I am far too high strung to do a thing like that. I plan out what socks I'm going to wear tomorrow for god's sake. And then there are the days where I am completely content being a clerk for my local Police Department. After all, that is as close as Im going to get to my childhood dreams of taking down the bad guys that break up families with drugs and reading the Miranda rights to my imaginary friends. Someone should have clued me in on the fact that people poop when they die and bad guys do get away and people actually expect you to do something about their neighbors wind chimes being too noisy.
I live with Dad. My incredibly awesome Dad. And my cat Clementine. Both of whom keep me sane.
I work at the PD and at a local little eatery serving Ogden's finest.
I keep the company of the most terrific people on earth.
I like an occasional bloody mary and/or a dirty martini
I have a shopping problem.
Laughing with friends is probably my favorite pass time.
I am single. I am happy with that.
That's all
For now.