Romance?? You can shove your romance!

Valentine’s day again??? Boy, am I ever so glad. Valentine’s day is my favorite!! After all it’s a totally legitimate rational and logical holiday to celebrate.
I mean, Who doesn’t want a box of creamed, pureed sugar flavored like fruit covered in milk chocolate all packaged up in a pretty little box alongside a bouquet of $10 walmart lily’s probably grown by illegal aliens being held captive by that floating yellow smiling head, and a tender little card reading “you’re my one and only” ironically sold at the store at 3 for a dollar? Who?!?!… a morbidly obese person in the hospital that’s who!!!
That’s right peep’s, I am still bitter. Last year I composed a cynical collaboration of my thoughts on Valentine’s day and couldn’t not do it again this year. You’re welcome. It will cost you a bag of cheetos and chocolate cupcakes.
This year I’m doing it a little different. This past week I went to Victoria’s secret and racked up $87 in sexy underwear and a fantastic bra that turns my acceptance as president into the ity bity titi committee titties into epic tits. I’m still puzzled as to why because come February 14th I will be at home, sporting my fabulous bra and sexy skivvies under an old tee shirt and my fleece pajama bottoms, parked on my sofa with my 2 felines and puppy covered in cheeto dust and a buzz from the $4 bottle of wine I purchased, whilst enjoying ewwy gewwy chick flicks.
I have been asked out, but have kindly declined. Why? Because the boys who desire me are the epitome of douche!
So my valentine is my dog, Olive. Who happens to be just about the cutest , sweetest thing on earth. Who is always excited to see me, always showers me with kisses and loves me unconditionally. I have found the secret to happiness ladies. Puppies, junk food, wine and movies. Now, if only I could get her to quit eating the cat poop… I’d really have it all.
Slowly but surely..day by day.. I am becoming that much closer to my destiny as the crazy cat lady. Given, It’s a little earlier than I had anticipated but I am ok with it. I enjoy my own company. I happen to to be the funniest person I know.
I am not yet at that totally pathetic stage. I still go out. And every once and a while I get asked for my telephone number. And 9 times out 10 I give out my alias.. Petunia. And my alias digits 458-5669. And when the unsuspecting boar has the slightest bit of suspicion that I might be lying I’ll spit out my patent line “Please don’t laugh at my name, I received enough ridicule in grade school on the playground” And then he chuckles and puts his arm around me and 9 times out of 10 gushes about the sushi date he’ll treat me too. And I roll my eyes and wonder how it is that every man offers the exact same things.. Is there an article in the latest Maxim that claims the promise of sushi will make the chicks swoon? And if you compliment them on their eyes and call them sexy they will cream themselves and do you right then and right there on the bar floor?? I am astounded even more with each man I meet.
It is my firm belief that this generation has gone downhill considerably. Men and women have no concept of monogamy or commitment. The mentality this day and age is so self centered an me,me,me its nauseating. At the first inclination of trouble people pack their bags and call it quits. Or rather, end up banging their assistant or neighbor. Can you even imagine how many beautiful things we as people are missing out on simply because we refused to see the tough times through? I know I too have pulled out my white flag of surrender too prematurely, ran away and turned my back much too soon. And then, with the ‘what might have been’s’ I am left a heavy hold on my heart.
With every outing to the bar you can have front row tickets to the evidence of the grass is always greener phenomenon. As married men catch a glimpse of a fresh new drink of water and tug desperately at their wedding band and slip it into their jeans pocket. Then, waltzing over to the hot little number they make small talk, tell her how beautiful her eyes are and how sexy she is and lure her in with the promise of a lavish sushi dinner.
Women astonish me just the same. Leaving their wedding ring on their dresser tucked neatly away in their jewelry box .Then, finding the most visually pleasing top in their wardrobe and slipping on their hooker boots then heading to the bar. Then once among the men they smile and giggle and hang on to every word that comes out of the men’s mouths and then they seductively turn to their girlfriends and start kissing them all in hopes I guess, that the men sprout a boner and offer them a drink, tell them their eyes are beautiful and go on and on about how sexy they are and promise them a sushi dinner. They will worry about the lie they’ll weave with their husbands and the sitter they will need to find later.
*Rolls her eyes* Happy Valentine’s day everybody! ~Cheers~
You can leave the bag of cheetos and the chocolate cupcakes on my porch.

Li' waynes pullin me through.

I never thought I'd be here. I mean, I totally knew I would have a darling little home of my own at the ripe old age of 27. But I never, pictured having it alone.
The idea of this house was so picture-perfect. And the sense of pride and accomplishment that came with preparing for it was nothing short of amazing. But after all my things were moved in and my friends had gone home. The reality hit me like a shit ton of bricks being dropped off of a bull dozer.
Holy Mary Mother of God I AM NOW OFFICIALLY THE CAT LADY and ALONE.
Life sure throws us for loops. I thought with such certainty that My Mr. Big and I would have it all despite of us not having it all together. Then I guess 'life' happened as it always seems to do and he has taken a different road and I am starting on a new one solo.
But.. in the words of Lil' Wayne.. 'Life is like a roller coaster then it drops you. But, why should I scream for this is my theme park'???
I just miss some things that came along with a relationship. No, Excuse me.. Not a relationship because the last thing on earth I want right now is another one of those. But with loving someone. No, Excuse me again, not just someone, because I suppose if I wanted just someone I could have that and the thought of just a someone makes me a little queasy. I guess.. It's.. him.
Loving a person whole heartedly is an amazing phenomena. If ever given the chance I highly suggest taking it. Its a feeling like no other on earth. To look at a person and just love every bit and every piece of them. To listen to every word and care so much about what they are saying. To laugh with someone. To lay with that person. To make love to that person. To imagine growing old with them and having babies with them. To knowing that whatever kind of bullshit happened that day they could help bring you back from it with a simple joke. To the safe secure feeling their embrace could provide. That, I miss that.
And, ya know.. I'm not so certain I will ever find that again. And it scares the hell out of me. Because having someone love you that way is fantastic but nothing compares to you feeling it. Nothing. And me being who I am can not settle for anything less than that. My heart is incapable of compromise.
So maybe I will be alone. Forever. Up on the hill with my two cats and puppy drinking wine from the bottle, eating top ramen, mowing my lawn in my bikini and sombrero singing "Copacabana", flipping off my neighbors. But I'll be happy knowing I felt it once.
Even though now, some days, I wish he would suffer intense amounts of pain, move to Siberia, or be eatin by grizzly bears. There are other days I wish so much he would show up on my door step with a sign that says " I miss you. I love you. I am so sorry" I know that will never happen.
So, I'll date I guess. Although, I can't imagine being anyone Else's anything. I don't want to be any one's anything, especially any ones girlfriend. So bring on the Cheetos! Top Ramen, 7 dollar wine and copious amounts of chick flicks! And please bring on my girlfriends.. Lord knows I am gonna need em'.
*Cheers single life* I'm baaaack. Just a lot poorer.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind..

Sometimes I guess, you have to touch the fire before it burns out.

And sometimes, you let your hand sit there for a really long time. Long after the flame flickers out and the coals have been drenched with water and the smoldering smoke has died down. And then you sit there shifting through the debris praying to God to find some warmth left. You find nothing. And then, it hits you that your hand F’ing hurts! And that piece of shit fire is the one that burnt you! So you kick dirt on it and pour more water on top of the cold coals and curse its name and walk inside and lock the door and turn on your heater and crawl under the covers because who the hell needs a fucking fire these days anyway??

Yes. I went through a breakup.
Yes. Another one. ( Please hold back your astonishment)
Yes. For good this time.
YES!!! FOR GOOD!!
Yes. It hurt a bit.
Yes. I am actually Just fine.

It’s funny how fine I am in all honesty. I guess the old saying holds true, but with a little twist when it comes to my circumstance.
You don’t know what you DON’T have until its gone.
I won’t go into the details of what happened. Because quite frankly, I don’t understand. One thing I do understand is that loving a person shouldn't be so rough.
Also,I can tell you Breakups are so much easier when the other person changes. They are even easier when it’s a complete transformation. And before you know it you don’t even know the person anymore because somehow or another they managed to lose all the things you were so much in love with somewhere along the way.
I can’t quite understand how he lost all of those things. Perhaps he sat them down somewhere and forgot where he put them, or maybe he threw them away, or they were taken.. whatever happened it’s a shame. I hope he finds them again someday.
I remember all the times we swore we would never give up on us again, but it is hard to keep that promise living with the memory of how someone use to be.
I feel so much different this time around. The tears were minimal and the pain was short lived.
My friends and my family have been so supportive through it all. Even those friends I have never really considered close stepped up and helped me more than they will ever know.
I can’t help but smile when I run into our mutual friends and in their kind voices and concerned expression they reassure me that I will be ok and things will get easier and tell me how great I look and how great I am doing. Their concern and sincerity is very much appreciated, but I AM ok. I am great in fact.
I am not the one who needs their pity. Granted, I made the mistake of choosing to love the wrong man.. but that was then and this is now and I don't love him anymore.
I worry about him, sure. I wish him well and hope with my whole heart he finds whatever it is he is looking for. Lord knows we didn't set out again to say goodbye. So no hard feelings, No regrets.
I think of him rarely because, I have a good life now that I have moved on.
* Cheers *
May 2010 bring us all much happiness and better luck.

Grunt.. Grunt..Grunt *Take yourself back to the Home Improvement days. You know, Tim Taylor.. and JTT? Mmm JTT. *drools*

Helloo is anybody out there??? I know its been quite a while since I sat down and took a second to write, I have been so busy!
Why do I feel like I am explaining myself to a Long Lost Pin pal starving in Somalia or something? The guilt overwhelmed me when I attempted to log into this lone little site and forgot my damn password.
And I said I wanted to be a writer.. Phsssh.
That's me Folks. Love it or leave it. I am infamous for becoming all gung-ho about an idea and then one day shrugging my shoulders and moving on to something else.
This time, it wasn't the case however. I no longer have the leisurely time I did before. The job I have now is AWESOME. And I earn every darn dollar I get. And I LOVE it! In fact, because of my new found success, I am going to be a proud homeowner here in a little over a month. *Proud Momma bear moment minus the momma bear*
It's true. Rian bought her very own home. With the help of her incredibly wonderful and supportive grandparents who so kindly offered to borrow her the money while she waits for Mr. Obama to sign her Tax credit check. God Bless the USA. And for that dink of an Ex-president we had for indebting our country so bad that some us get to benefit from it. On second thought.. I don't think that's kosher.. But, I can't think of any other reason this is happening so it stays. Curse me if you must.
I have already been to Home Depot and picked out the paint. And light Fixtures. And tile. And Counter tops. And also made a trip to RC Willy's where I found the sofa of my dreams. And Tai Pan Trading Company where I found decorations galore. I know that a lot of it will have to wait. . but when I get done, this house is going to be tiiight!
I am also going to buy myself a puppy dog. And as silly as it may sound, I think I may quite possibly be more excited for the puppy than anything else.
What else.. Let's see, My very Own humble abode..Check. New awesome job.. Check. Puppy dog.. Check..
Sheesh.
So much has changed since September! It's funny How fast life takes you. And somehow, I know that this is only the beginning of it all. I can feel myself changing. It's a little bitter sweet to be honest. I feel myself growing up, apart, and away. Apart from some people whom I never thought I would see the day where our paths no longer conjoined. Away from things I never foresaw as something I would wish to give up. But alas, Here I am.
No more frivolous spending on T-shirts. No more drinking away my money on weekends. No more continuous eating out, although I am pretty damn sure the kind folks at Kirts Drive Inn and Bangkok Garden are going to miss me something terrible. . I am bound and determined to make my way through a cook book. (without getting sick or throwing the meals I make at unsuspecting victims) Its a new day and Age for Rian-Paige.
I think its gonna be really somethin great.

FOUR!

4 years ago you walked into my life.
We have had quite the ride. Some ups. Some downs. Periods of heavy turbulence. And a few unplanned rough landings.
But we have always boarded again. Ready for take off.
I wouldn't wanna fly with anyone else in the whole wide world.
I love you. I have from the night I met you. And I will for the rest of my life. Even when we are old and gray and I'm disappointed because you have weird Italian hair growing from every orifice of your body and you're upset because my boobs sag and my biscuit drags. And we are sittin on the porch you drinking Metamucil and I am rubbing salve on my arthritic hands while fussing at you because yes, I still think bitches brew sounds like Lagoon.


Yes...I'll still love you. Even then.
Thank you for the past 4 years.
Cheers to the Next.
Happy Anniversary Darlin.
~The Woptress

Controversy Controversy who's got the Controversy. If you got the Controversy Your out.

I landed a new job. An amazing new job. I start Monday. I can't wait.
This last job was good. I learned an awful lot. I had the chance to work with some of the most upstanding people I have ever met and some who were not.
One of the most important lessons learned was that from being spiteful and hateful and cruel and manipulative and chuck full of gossip the only person who suffers is yourself.
I am grateful for the opportunity and Thank God I am moving on.
It's funny how things unfold.
Please Hold your applause.
Heeeere's Johnny.

Interesting day of conversation

Dude @ work: O my God, These Mike and Ikes are sooo delicious. They are like, straight from the factory they are SO fresh.

* It is important to note that he was across the office from me and going on and on and on about the Mike and Ikes in the the most passionate tone of voice. One would have thought this was the first time the man discovered taste

Me: Dude, Are you usuallythis serously passionate about chewy candies?
Dude @ work: No.. just THESE. Try them they are extraordinary. *pause for dramatic chew* And.. for the record I am passionate about everything.

* I think its also important to note mainly due to timing and being able to follow this story to the point of it.(yes there is one) that dude is passionate. about. everything. Politics.. wheew boy. Budget..O man. The jalapeno jelly he made..watch out! and now Mike and Ikes.

Other non-important lady I work with in the room: You weren't passionate earlier when we were talking about romance.
Me: Umm yeah cause he isn't 60 and curling up with menopause to a Danielle Steel novel.
*Note: No I didn't actually say this. But I thought it. And wanted to. Bad.
Him: Well that's because having a wife is like * pause for dramatic chew* having your finger cut off.
Me: W H A T?
Him: You know.. Phantom finger. Its not actually there but it is. Same with wives.
Me: * uncomfortable laugh * WHAT?!?!
Him: They may be cut off but its like they are still there!
Me: I know what phantom finger is. But what in the Hell does this have to do with your passion for your new found romance with the Mike and Ikes?!?
Him: I am passionate about my wife like I would be for my finger.
Me: You are comparing your wife to a severed digit? You should go home and thank your wife. And hug her. A lot.
Him: Why?
Me: Because in 3 sentences you single handily talked me out of marriage. And how on earth you convinced a woman to marry you is well.. you owe her. Lots.
Him: Like the rest of my Mike and Ikes.
Me: *Roll of eyes*

*Note. The conversation ended without any harm done to him or the box of chewies.
However, I will never think of men the same again. In fact, If the thought of a woman's, well, you know.. didn't give me the heebeegeebees I think I might be lesbian.

Speaking Of lesbians:
Fast forward 2 hours.
* To set the scene, I was at dinner with my sister and my step Mother at a farely empty Indian Restaurant. We were talking about my Grandparents religious beliefs,(Which I'll write about in the future someday)
When this burly woman sitting a few tables up from us turned and joined in the conversation. Those of you who know me know that this is not in anyway OK with me.

Burly chick: I have to say you guys sound like you are having too much fun.
Me: * Eye roll*
Step Mom: Well come and Join us.
Burly chick: OK. Lifts chairs above her head and sits down at our table.
Me: * Gasp*
Step Mom: What do you do?
Burly Chick: I am a dog sitter. I stay at peoples houses and watch dogs.
Step Mom: O my God I have a Dog!

* Note this conversation goes on for upwards of 30 minutes with my stepmother showing Burly chick all of her puppy photos.

Me: * Thinking all the while ' do people do this? Have strange people stay in their houses while they are away to watch their dog? I mean really? Does this not seem at all a little strange? I mean for God sake you barely know Ms Burly here.. she could be a serial killer! Or a burglar! I mean its established the woman prefers woman. What if she goes sniffing your pantie drawer. Seems like a huge risk to take and all over a flipping dog?! Ridiculous if you ask me' Then I remember they aren't asking me and I am asking myself questions to myself in my own mind' I stopped.
StepMom: Rian! Tell *I forgot her name* Burly chick what you were just saying. It was HILARIOUS.
Me: I don't think that's all that appropriate talking about religion to a com..
StepMom: TELL HER!!
Me: Ok.. Well when I was little I knew my grandparents believed in something called Urantia. I asked my Mother..
Burly Chick: Urantia? What is that?? What is their principle belief system?!?
Me: Well they believe in God and Christ But they tie the universe into their belief's..
Burly Chick: I don't believe In God!
Me: O o o o K...
Burly Chick then proceeds to tell us about the death of her sister and being raised as a roman catholic and doubt doubt doubt sin sin sin. And then asked me: If there is a God why would God allow the woman of Somalia to be raped and murdered? And all the other horrible things like Genocide to occur? How could he be all knowing and all powerful and sit back and allow THAT to happen?!?
Me: Free will. That was God's gift to us. Free Will.
Burly Chick: Well it doesn't make any sense. Show me proof. I'll believe.
Me and what I wanted to say but instead sat there as I always do when it would be awesome to not be a chickenshit: Well.. Take your teeth for example. You could brush them. But no, you choose not to. You have chosen not to practice good hygiene and allow your teeth to turn that there grayish brown color. That. Dear burly chick, is free will. Because If God could come down and perform miracles on a day to day basis, I'll bet your bottom dollar he'd give you some Colgate!
Burly chick after the long pause of me imagining what to say: If God were to come down imagine what the people these days would do to him? We thought the first persecution was bad! Well, I better go..I could chat all day about this. It was nice talking to you.
StepMom: Yes I have your card. I'll call ya.
Burly Chick. Yes do. Lets chat I don't have many friends.
Me: Wonder why
I am still re-cooping from the death stare I got from my Stepmother.