Broken telephone lines??

Friday.. Fantastic! Ask me if I have plans tonight.. go ahead, Dare Ya!! Its been 5 days since that stupid rotten no good butterfly given butthead called me. 5!! But who's counting?

Thank you Cosmo, Thank you Greg Behrendt.. I get it. He is just not that into me. 10-4. Copy.

Question: Does Testosterone provide the talent of acting? Just Curious, because this kid should be winning an Emmy. Also, what is with these games that go hand in hand with dating? Seriously? It's like a relentless game of chess while at the same time competing in the hop scotch championship. Should he call me? Do I call him? Is it still the 3 day rule or has it advanced to 5? Perhaps, I should just run up to him at recess and pinch him, call him a name and run away laughing? Or, do I delete his number and settle in with some Ben and Jerrys and a bottle of wine until me and the girls go out for another round of guess which one isn't an asshole?

I wish meeting people could be as easy as those old Sesame Street games.. like.. "One of these things is not like the others,One of these things just doesn't belong,Can you tell which thing is not like the others By the time I finish my song?"

But no, They all look about the same. Many have an endearing sense of charm and irresistiblity and it usually takes us woman a lot longer than a song to realise what a turd he is. The bad ones disguise themselves well as good guys and the good guys are good guys lost in a sea of jackass's or they are married. The good single ones should illuminate light or something.

Unfortunately I can't wikipedia my questions. But I'll tell ya one little fun factoid I did learn.. Mars is 1990 million miles away from Venus.

I rest my case.

Cold dead fish and Black goo hearts

This last weekend was good. The last few lately have been great. I will give them credit to the liberating breakthrough in which I am accomplishing. Breaking the serial monogamist cycle.

Friday My dear friend steph and I ventured up to park city to have dinner with my darling friend Tawni and her precious little baby Jocelyn. We went to the restaurant Tawni works at for a night of cold dead fish and catching up.

The Sushi was horrid. Maybe it was the fact that whilst trying to consume it I was sitting up against a huge aquarium filled with fish, brine shrimp, snails and sea horses watching me eat their late uncle fishsticks. It felt wrong. Very very wrong.

If ever I go out for a steak dinner and am sat next to a herd of cattle I will defiantly be asking for another table. Im sorry, but that is not creating an atmosphere unless you are trying to push veganism.

Weird.

But The company was awesome. I still can't believe my Tawni is a mommy. And she is such a fantastic one. I admire this woman. She takes life and all it throws at her with such grace and ease. She makes it all look so easy. (Just don't ask her to make an open face sandwich)

And Steph was hilarious as ever. We spotted a snail that resembled a woman's hoo-hoo, met a couple brit's with sparkly loafers, serenaded the baby to 'baby got back' and the whole way home we did terrible impersonations and bad accents.

Photo documentation

This is Jocelyn Dawn. She is the most beautiful baby I have ever had the pleasure of holding. She is looking like her mother more and more every day.

This is Tawni. She looks nothing like a woman who pushed a baby out of her. This girl made pregnancy and labor look like a breeze.

This is steph. You can't tell from this photograph but this woman can do an uncanny Australian drawl.

Saturday I Worked. I re did 273 accidents after self teaching myself how to do them correctly. What can I say? I save the world one accident report at a time even if it takes me a minute.

Then, Krisi and I painted the town red whilst drinking beer, eating calamari, hummus, shots of kamikazees and dancing to cotton eyed joe.

Sunday I relived those things that I hate deep down in your belly that cause uncontrollable giggles and blushing just minus the hot dogged hamburgers, 1930's country jams and 310 to Yuma. But, I still enjoyed myself. *Blushes*... A lot.

It's Wednesday. Since then I have saved the world with more reports, watched a lot of T.V. and a few films, ate a whole lot of junk food, visited with friends,cleaned my house and went grocery shopping for more junk food, but.. My telephone hasn't rang with that boy on the other end. I would be lying if I said I wasn't bummed. *Hangs head*

But it's no big. I don't care. I'll get over it. I already knew Boys have cold black goo hearts.. I guess all creatures from venus do.

Besides, I got my Girls and my Cat and RedBox and tons of books I have yet to read. And if the nights get really lonesome I could always do yoga. (The grocery stores would have to be all out of pizza's, Cheetos, blue moon and sour patch watermelons in order for this to happen.)

Point is: I am happy. Even all alone all by myself.. I am perfectly happy.

Thats all, for now.

The 3rd degree..

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I tried a dirty Martini and Liked it. I think I ate my own weight in the amount of cheetos I consumed.
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I tried awfully hard. I think my list of lutions’ is the same for this year. Its more of a lifer list. Its an on going process but I feel as if I am getting there.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My best friend Tawni had a beautiful baby girl.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, Thank heavens.
5. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Contentment
6. What countries did you visit?
Unless you count Vegas as a foreign country.. none. I do, It smells funny.
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
September 10, 2008 My birthday. How selfish is that?!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Letting go.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I don’t think I ate near enough cake.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I suffered from a rare condition that clouds your judgment causing you to date the hugest assbags on the planet.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
The snow tires I spent 392 dollars for and now its not even snowing! Its 50 flipping degrees outside for god sake!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Every single last one of my friends were simply amazing, are simply amazing.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Mens. Every single last one them. Even the male ducks who took advantage of a female duck in my front yard this spring. Anything with a Wiener basically sucks.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Tomato juice and vodka. Also, clothing, a hell of a lot of clothing.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Obama.. I even got a T-shirt.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Journey.. Don’t stop believing.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Immensely more happy.
ii. thinner or fatter? I accumulated some junk in the trunk.
iii. richer or poorer? Richer. Thanks to my new job not only are my pay checks bigger, but I have more time for these lovely survey’s, reading about the end of the world and I now know the side effects of mixing cintrum silver and Metamucil with water pills.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Living in the moment. Appreciating the present time. Not worrying so much about tomorrow, or the next day ,or next year.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Dating. And Caring.
20. There was no #20.
21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21 or 20..
I’ll make up my own question here then..
What would cheer you up today?
Cake. Ice cream cake. Cookie dough Ice cream cake. And A mojito!
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
O weird.. you had to bring this up didn’t ya. . Way to go. And wipe the smirk off your face ass hole before I do it for you! Yes I fell in love, as quickly as I fell in I fell out. Twice. Also I didn’t stop loving someone either.
23. How many one-night stands?
Ewwww * convulses* changing subject: Did you know…Red heads have no souls? Fact!
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Sex in the City Re runs.. and Friends re runs.. and House and Bones. And weeds. I watch quite a bit of television evidently.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Why yes, yes I do. This time last year I hadn’t had the pleasure of meeting a few of the assbags I referred to a few questions up.
26. What was the best book you read?
Does Cosmo count? ;) No, umm Eat, Pray, Love. Fantastic
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Karaoke. Wonderfully fun Karaoke.
28. What did you want and get?
My Ipod. Im still waiting on the cake. and the Mojito.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Pineapple Express.. mmmm James Franco. DelIcious.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you (optional)?
I turned 26. And I was in vegas eating crab, drinking yards and yards of foo foo drinks, supporting Obama, climbing on statues, and many other shenanigans.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More cowbell. Definitely more cowbell.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Comfortable.
34. What kept you sane?
My Friends. And Bloody Mary’s.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I Have a secret chick crush on Katie Holmes. She is so Gosh Darn precious.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Sarah Palin and her putting shame into having a Vagina.
37. Whom did you miss?
Chuck Norris.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Krisi. I thank God every Day I met that girl.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
The present is all that is ever available to us.. and within it holds everything.
And.. if Brittany Spears can get it together anyone can.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“ The more Boys I meet the more I like my dog”
0r
“ Mmm bop, ba du dop ba du bop”

ummm Yemen!

Today is one of those days where I am seriously contemplating taking out what little money I have, hopping in my car, driving to the airport and flying far far far far far away. Try my luck as a nomad.

Why you ask?

Well it could be that it was pointed out to me today that I tend to move around alot in my Jobs. Looking at my resume I realised that this woman was right.. I am good for about a year or two and then I am gone. Is this coincidence? Or am I a drifter?

Do I bore easy? Why, Yes. Yes I do!

When asked why I don't stay at a job for a long period of time I answered by explaining the better job offers, my stupid.. yet strong desire to be a cop, reality hitting me square in the gut that the cop idea wasn't the best, And the place I am at now, just wanting to have a job in which I feel accomplished in, A job I do and do well, decent money and some benefits, be kept busy, go home and do it again tomorrow.

Hey.. Life happened!

But what if.. what if I am only good at anything for a year or two.

It's a definite possibility

Example 1. Jobs

Example 2. Relationships

Example 3. My Hair

Example 4. My wardrobe ( Every new season I need all new clothing.. its as if last spring I walked about naked)

Example 5. Food, Soda, hobbies etc.. ( I grow tired of things.. I use to eat chewy fruit granola bars every single morning and now, if I saw one I may vomit. And when I was little I would do gymnastics and in no time I wanted to be a ballerina and then no, the Karate kid seemed more fitting)

I am doomed! Doomed I tell ya.

Now even my fall back plan of becoming the crazy old cat lady, drinking moon shine alone on her porch, playing checkers by herself, and vacuuming her lawn won't work. I'll grow tired of my 56 felines and want a pot bellied pig named Lola and a goat named Bosifus and I'll get bored of checkers and want to play uno. And then I'll buy a leaf blower and drink Gin.

Destination: Yemen??.. I look decent with a towel on my head.. And I like rice. Then, when I grow tired of Yemen.. Rome.. then Thailand.. maybe Bermuda.. maybe Ireland, Irish accents are hot and I like beer. . .

A Bundle Of Boy

My baby sister announced today that she is having a Boy.
Im going to be 'Aunti Rian'.
I am totally going to insist on the 'Aunti' part to.. it sounds so sophisticated!
My Sister looks so happy and complete in her life. It makes me smile.
She is just about the sweetest little thing on earth, sunshine just radiates from her and if she isn't feeling it from you.. you better believe she will blow that sunshine right up your ass!
She is going to be a wonderful Mother.

On another note. .
I had a fabulous night last night.
I can't go into details because I always give details and maybe thats what jinxes me.
But I am a strong supporter in Hints:
Opened Doors.
Hot Dogged Hamburgers
Dead animals
1930's country classics
Live animals
Snow
310 to Yuma
Talk of Volcanic eruptions
Those things that I hate deep down in your belly that cause uncontrollable giggles and blushing

And I don't even care if I never enjoy hot dogged hamburgers, dead animals, 1930's country classics, live animals, snow, 310 to Yuma, Talk of Volcanic Eruptions, or those things that I hate deep down in your belly that cause uncontrollable giggles and blushing again. Because, I enjoyed the Hell out of it all last night.
But Lets just say, by chance, I get offered the chance to do it all again or even something else with just the company I won't even think twice.

Popcorned chocolate redboxed tires

I had to spend $392.00 on tires. I would much rather have $392.00 worth of cute new T-shirts and ballet flats and britches and necklaces, or perhaps a plane ticket to somewhere sunny.
But no, I have 4 hunks of rubber designed to get me around in this frozen terrain.
Someone hit my Dad and I's stone fence outside our house. It completely demolished it. But it's ok.. We have the horn to their vehicle, we found it in our yard.. How that car managed to drive away I'll never know.. but thank God for Karma because they won't be able to honk at passer-bys or Assholes that cut them off or any other fences that happen to get in their way.
Moral of those two short stories: I hate winter.
I don't think friends should be allowed to ever say "good-bye" it should be a universal rule like a blood-brother pact or a pinky swear that friends are a forever unconditional thing.
Sour patch watermelons, Dr pepper, Goldfish, Gummy bears, Twix, Movie theatre buttered Popcorn, cheeseburgers, french fries, oven baked pizzas, and Cheetos soothe a broken heart but defiantly does not cure it. The next morning you feel like an elephant is sitting on your guts and you still remember what ailed you prior to inhaling all that junk.
Movies, no matter how entertaining are just not as good without a comfy pair of arms to be intertwined with.
Moral of that tid-bit: I miss a few people. I am experiencing the 'phantom arm' thing. You know, where your arm is gone but you still feel the sensation of it. Except not with my arm but with people. Its like they are still there but yet, they aren't.
One more thing.. If you are dating someone.. not even dating but just hanging out with someone of the opposite sex, never under any circumstance ever say " Are we hanging out tonight? Hope you are ready I am feeling frisky" Chances are the person on the other end of the phone will chuck it right out of her hands,call you a list of every name under the sun, and swear off men for the rest of her existence, delete your phone number and then blog about your idiocracy and lack of respect, tact and over all persona.. " I am feeling frisky" ??!!?? Are you serious? What in the hell is wrong with people?! I don't even think this statement would be ok if you were in a long lasting intimate relationship with a person. Frisky?! * rolls her eyes*
Tonight: another trip to the Red box and I'm trading in the candy for a bag of trail mix..
( ha ha yeah right)

Indication of the next 12 months

I have a curse upon me. New Years Eve is always a colossal fiasco.
The last 10 have been nothing but strange, dramatic debaucheries.
This year may have taken the cake of the very worst New years. EVER.
In a 'new year' Nutshell ...
I should have followed my initial instinct and not invited ' the boy '
I should not have taken those last 3 shots of blueberry Vodka and especially not that last shot of Whiskey.
I need to learn When it's over.. it's over. Especially after my worth amounted to the shit he didn't want anymore. Asshole.
I need to think before I open my mouth. My worst enemy is my wicked tongue.
Anger and Jealousy are emotions I never want to carry with me nor do I want carry someone with the burden of those emotions.
The most important people in my life are my friends. And although our New Years began in madness I am so grateful to have rang it in with my closest friends. You all are the people I hope to hold onto and hope to spend the next year and many more with.
I am sorry for the way the night unfolded.
I leave 2008 behind with pain and graciousness in my heart.
I have alot of memories and experiences from the past year, some I will take with me and some I would rather leave behind.
I am starting 2009 with an open heart and an open mind.
Happy New Year.