How to properly hate Christmas.

Avoid Shopping all together from November 28th to Mid January. And when I say avoid I mean bone bare Refrigerator, Empty Cabinets, Scrapping out pieces of deodorant, Eating Spam driving around an entire town to avoid the main streets, Ordering everything off the net, avoid.

Ordering things off the Net receiving them a week later only to open the box and find the things you ordered only they look as if they should be little trinkets for a happy little family of midgets. Every thing is bite sized. They should have a warning label in the checkout cart screen * Warning may be smaller than they appear on your little laptop monitor* Awesome. My gifts will put new meaning to have yourself a merry 'little' Christmas.

Last minute Shopping. F word. Bitch the whole way under your breath in your car the entire way to the mall, Enter the parking lot go up and down and up and down rows and rows of cars belonging to every god-for-saken person who resides in around or about Northern Utah. Find one! Sigh in relief.. press on the gas. Slam on your breaks to allow that little prick in the mini cooper who kicked your Scions ass to the only available spot left in the whole wide world. Time to pull out an explicit hand gesture and punch your steering wheel and yell at your emotionless car for losing. Move on. Find another one not guarded by an asshole. Enter the mall. Feel the panic rising through your body. Children are running around 'pee yourself' excited to sit on a man's lap who probably has been in jail 29 times since last holiday season and spends his times as a carnie the other 10 months out of the year. Dance the ' I'm going left.. no right.. no left WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING??! shuffle with at least 8 different strangers. Find the gift clutch onto your shopping bag so tight thinking if one more person brushes up against me, or hits me with their bag so help me god I'll shove something real joyful and Triupent right up their....
Make it your vehicle. Slam your head against the steering wheel aiming at the horn.


Every place you walk into you hear Christmas music, the Grocery, the restaurants, the gas stations, your friends car, your families, work, the Chinese restaurant even the Mexican joints are playing festive fiesta versions of jingle bells. I have heard 43 different remixes of Chestnuts roasting on a fire.. 43!

Exchanging gifts. Now often times I am lucky and my family and friends are way to gracious to me.. but sometimes, like last year you get a gift that makes you re -evaluate your whole persona because if this person looked at this and thought of me I have some terrible identity crisis's going on. And God forbid that I give a gift that makes someone consider counseling.

Why give gifts to people over 10 ?? Seriously.. we have plenty. We don't need anything. We would like to keep the money we would have, had we not purchased you that $20 gift card to Chili's in our pocket.. But, O how nice.. you got me a $20 gift card to the Olive Garden.Great. We basically just took our money and bought a Little plastic card representing a dinner and swapped it. Why not do us all a favor and save one another the trouble and just keep our $20 bucks. Or better yet donate it to a charity benefiting the people who can't afford oatmeal let alone a steak dinner?

And then Christmas day you have to make 14 different stops to see all your family in 13.7 minute Increments In order to make every ones Christmas get-together.

JOY TO THE WORLD
FELIZ NAVIDAD
PEACE ON EARTH
AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT