Tender topics stuffed away in the closet

Recently, there has been coverage in the media about Gay rights. From legalizing marriages to Pride parades to Adam Lambert coming out of the closet. I'm sorry, but if this young man was ever in the closet it was made of plexi-glass and the doors were left wide open.
(Nothing new) However, one story caught my boyfriend's eye who then caught my ear leading me to think twice about it. On the sitcom, 'So you think you can dance' there were two homosexual men who did a dance as a couple. One of the judges (conveniently a Simon Cowell look-a-sound-the-same ) critiqued the song choice. Saying that particular song was more suited for a man and woman duo. Well wouldn't ya know it. The gay community was in an up-roar. You would have thought that God himself started raining down playboys.
Now let me make myself clear. I could care less if a person is Gay or not gay or if they like both. I support Gay marriage. To each his own and mind your business is how I try to live my day to day. But I do find myself getting a little agitated when a community of people make a huge fuss over the smallest issue. A SONG??? Are ya kidding? Its not like he condemned these two men to Hell. He simply gave his opinion. Which let me remind you people, he is paid to do!
After several complaints and lime lit scrutiny he had to give a public apology for this statement. Why? Just as my Boyfriend has said , It would be so nice to see a person in the spotlight say "You know what, I'm not sorry. I didn't do anything wrong." How refreshing would it be to see someone refuse and point out how ridiculously sensitive people are. In this case it was over something so non-judgemental and without any homophobic innuendo what-so-ever.
What I don't understand is why the Gay community is able to say whatever they want in regards to people who don't share their lifestyle. I have yet to hear an apology from the other side of the spectrum. Example: This last Sunday here in Salt lake City a Gay rights activist spoke out against the leaders of the LDS church. Was he urged to make a apology? No, and I am sure many people of the Mormon faith were offended.
If people don't want to be treated differently then why do they go to such lengths to behave so much differently?
Adam Lambert is phenomenally talented. Does the fact that the boy prefers a Him over a Her change that? Ummm no. It makes him no better, no worse.
You want equality? Then pick your battles my friends. Those people who push their lifestyles on others IE: religious fanatics, Government officials, ignorant people etc.. are wrong. And it is my opinion that the individuals on the other side of these tender topics can be just as much in the wrong. Perhaps people could think twice about parading around in eccentric outfits or acting outrageous in order to express your differences in sexual preference, religious beliefs, Race, what have you.
This is not just a problem with Homosexuality it presents itself in every issue on earth. Just the other day I drove passed a car with a gigantic PRO LIFE sticker on her car. Why? Your opinion is your opinion and more than likely your outfit, your bumper sticker, your hateful words, your complaints and out cries are not going to change any one elses point of view. So why bother?
If a man and a man want to get married who cares??? You think God is against it? Then think God is against it. Those two individuals will be the ones facing the big man on their judgement day so how about we leave it to him!
Respect each other. Accept each other. People come in all shapes and sizes and shades of color. Who are we to decide what the right fit is? Or the right color? Just shut up and.. live your life squared, circled, octagoned, blue, orange, chartreuse, however you'd prefer. If you don't like me or the lifestyle I am leading. Don't. Chances are I don't like you or yours. But, do we really need banners and stickers and T-shirts to broadcast our differences to the world?

Sunday Bloody Sunday

My memorial day weekend was one of the more memorable weekends I have had in awhile
thanks to a bizarro Sunday afternoon. It started off as usual, woke up to take Eric to church, got in the car, decided to stop at McDonald's, was served by a lady who resembled IT. I never found Mcmuffins horrifying until this day. She left out Eric's order so we had to ask a man who I am certain was just released from prison 2 hours prior to starting his shift. Parents beware. It's no longer the Hamburglar you have to watch out for at the playland. We drove to Layton and while pulling into the parking lot and being directed to make a sharp right to the side of the building I made a sharp as hell turn right into the curb! According to Eric my face was that of a priceless 'O shit! What the hell happened?!?' I remember his face was that of " Are you shitting me woman what the hell were you thinking??!!" And then we watched my hub cab roll up the side walk. I opened my door to asses the damage. Upon stepping out I heard a continuing 'whoooooooooooosh' from all the air escaping from my tire out of a huge gaping hole. All Eric could do was laugh. Hysterically. Leading me to laugh. Hysterically. I made him swear to secrecy because of how mortified I was to be myself in that moment. Standing out in the rain in my jammies searching for a jack because I drive like a jack-ass. all the while trying to pass the buck on him by saying, had he not told me how to drive none of this would have happened in the first place. Then turning around to see the huge curb that I so blindly collided into, wondering where a sewer pipe might me so I could slither in and hide for the rest of my days.. Now here I am blogging about it? Nice.
We never found a Jack so we had no other choice than to go ask one of his band members if they had one.
So there I was in my pajamas glaring at my boyfriend to not say another word as he tried with all his might to hold in his laughter as he changed my tire while his guitarist inquisitively persisted on knowing how that big hole in the inside of my tire wall happened. Finally I caved and fessed up to my mishap. My boyfriend and his guitarist's chuckles were quickly interrupted by the Dixie chicks serenading from someones cell phone. Surprisingly, It wasn't my cell phone and it was coming from my Boyfriends pants. He turned bright red when he realized that it was his phone and after I had lent him my old cell he forgot to change the ring tone. He tried to explain as he looked up to his Rock-n-roll Guitarist who had the most puzzled expression on his face because he was probably humming a power ballad by Guns n Roses in his head and the sweet honkey tonk chick jam interuppted the sick guitar solo.. The song 'Cowboy take me away' will forever bring us to laughter.
Anyway.. I returned to church after going home to clean myself up. Even the service felt a little off beat this particular Sunday. After the service Eric and I drove to Wal-Mart to get my tire repaired. This is where my beloved boyfriend found out how to correctly screw lug nuts onto a tire. Yep, that's right I drove clear to North Ogden and back on Backwards nuts screwed onto the doughnut to my little toaster car which was cargoing my precious life inside! I could have been killed!
I quickly forgot about my near near death experience as we played with all the bouncy balls, jump ropes, cowboy hats, baseball bats, night vision goggles, bicycle horns and poping pushing infant toys in the toy section waiting for my car to be fixed. And all the way home I was entertained by the inner child inside my boyfriend as he played with his new flute, his new red yo-yo and fashioned his new spandex pirate tattoo sleeve for all the passer-bys on the freeway. I haven't laughed that hard in one day in.. well, ever.
Fortunately my Toaster wasn't damaged besides the the two tires. And fortunately I had my boyfriend there to help me learn to laugh at myself even in the 'O shit' moments. Because shit will happen. And I think when wading through the shit, a shit-eaten grin makes it much more bearable, a Yo-Yo and a flute doesn't hurt to have around either.
So, Memorial day weekend has passed. The hot as the devil summer days are upon us. I have some exciting events up and coming. Like.. In approximately 3 weeks I will be an Aunt. I am so so excited to meet my new nephew. Despite the fact that kids usually make me want to put armpit high rubber gloves on and carry around large quantities of ear plugs. I am pumped!
The birth of the baby means my Sister Megan is coming home. I miss her.
I am going to Bear lake next weekend to have a one nighter get away with my boyfriend and his band. Last time I was in bear lake I almost ran the place dry of fresh raspberry milkshakes and spent the entire day in search of the lock-nest monster. I plan on doing the exact same thing this time around.
Hopefully we manage to avoid anymore run-ins with sneaky curbs.
June ought to be a good month.

Serious decision making with the help of Conway Twitty.

Whats this?? Another blog?? You don't say...
This is all I have to keep me sane. As I type I am being serenaded by Eric Clapton.. Before that it was Neil Diamond, before that.. Conway Twitty. I guess I asked for it. I was complaining before about the deafening silence. Now I am spending my days jamming out with the Golden Girls.
I have been considering going back to school to do the Surgical Tech Program. So last night I went to Steven Hennigar's college to see what their program was all about. Much to my dismay you have to take a basic aptitude test to be accepted into the medical program. So there I was in the foyer of a college having an anxiety attack with my eyes welling up with tears, my heart pounding 347 miles per minute and the uncontrollable desire to run as far away from the number 2 pencil they were handing me and the evil booklet of math questions that always make me look a fool. I explained to them that I was a dyslexic and I didn't test well. A lady piped up and offered to read me the exam. I bitterly replied "I can read!!" after a bit of convincing, I stayed. The first try at the exam didn't go as well as the second. But.. I PASSED! For many of you a basic knowledge test is cake.For me.. No. Its more like raw cake mix and an easy bake oven with a broken light bulb. The women were all so proud of me for passing (thanks to my dramatical distress call in the foyer) and not only for passing but getting a rather high score. I never pass tests. Ever.
Shortly after the test another women came in to go over the Surgical Tech program. Two things changed my mind. 1. They only offer it during the day. 2. Colon surgery is a very common procedure. Those of you who know me know I can handle blood, guts, puke, brains, whatever but I can't handle and won't handle Poop. Unless you want to be covered in regurgitated Dr pepper, gold fish and a lean cuisine.
As I thanked her for her time she caught my attention by bringing up Respiratory Therapy. No Poo. Just breathing. They make about $42,000 a year. ( as much as an RN ) with the possibility to make much more upon getting a bachelors. I was intrigued. I can't imagine how rewarding a job like that would be. Saving a persons life by giving them breath. Seems incomparable to bringing through reports on lost bicycles.
But It also costs a shit ton of dough. $ 51,000 buckaroos to be precise. How in the carnations would I ever pay a loan like that off?! And working and going to school from 6am to 10pm does not sound all that appealing nor possible for me to even consider. I know me. And the me I know likes to have a life and also enjoys television re-runs and sitting on my biscuit on my sofa drinking up surd amounts of Dr pepper whilst eating Ding-dongs.. But I know what a positive step this would be for my future. And the life I could have in a year and a half.
In my current line of duty I try every day to have a fresh new perspective on my job. It pays decently well. Its easy. I have Weekends and Holidays off, I enjoy working with the fuzz and I have become a professional quiz taking facebook lurker. But I feel, well, useless. And the company I am forced to keep whilst on the clock certainly does not help with my pessimistic work-funk. And the position I have hoped to move up into is looking like less and less of a possibility given the politics.
I just can't decide. If only I could move into an address on easy street. Maybe then the bills wouldn't keep piling up higher and higher and people never said bad things about others, and if people weren't so petty and spiteful. And feelings never got hurt and people stayed faithful, And jobs paid well and nobody struggled. Actually, Horton hears a Who said it best.. "In my world everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows, and poop butterflies"
Its boiling down to this. Perhaps I'll convince all those peeps I hold dear to my heart to hop a flight with me to Mexico. ( after this little oinking infestation is cleared up. Obviously) Build a little shack on the beach, spend all our days in our swim suits, never learn Spanish, sell fruit and trinkets to tourists, and collect Mexican welfare. Then go to local business's and curse at them in English and benefit by pulling the racial profiling card. Karma is a bitch people. ( I wonder how you say karma in espanol? ) Betcha can't tell what experience I got to have today at work!
Anyway.. That's what I'm doing lately just juggling around the idea.. to go to school or not to go to school. Think Think Think. Pro con pro con con con pro pro pro. CON.
The end.

Hallalujah

This last weekend was as eventful as always. But one event in particular changed me. I literally felt something shift within me.
From the top.....
Thursday friends and I went to the local watering hole to watch the Utah Jazz Beat that arrogant string bean, Kobe Bryant. Friday and Saturday we returned to suck down more kamikazes leading to altercations, leading to my face getting punched/slapped by the craziest chick I have set my eyes on since high school. Awesome. She was just lucky her big beaked friend was there to hold me back. Otherwise.. well, her hair woulda got pulled and she'd have a few good-sized scratches. We all know I can't fight. I'm puney!
That experience led me to realise how un -into the bar scene I have become.
I also realised that I don't belong there anymore. I am back in a relationship with the love of my life, who is all I'll ever need or want or could ask for. Bars are for people who are single and looking. I'm neither of those two. And it is my belief that when in a relationship for respect of your better half you shouldn't indulge in that lifestyle without them there.. People are people and sometimes people are assholes. Especially when your cerebellum is swimming in booze. So, with exception of birthdays and special occasions I am putting my bar frequenting days behind me. And although our local watering hole holds a special little place in my heart because everyone knows my name and the drinks never run dry and familiar faces are a guaranteed find.. I think my life will be much better off without the weekly visitations.
So.. I am going to purchase one of those special little martini shakers and google me the recipe for those delicious tasty treats I enjoy so much on the weekends.
My pocket book will thank me and so will my liver. I imagine my relationships will become much more genuine/stable and real as well.
(yay...look friends.. I'm growing up)
Sunday I went to church. I had the most amazing experience there. I went to watch my boyfriend play in the church band. The music was absolutely awesome. The people were so nice and the energy that filled that room was infectious. Almost.. surreal. It has been a long time since I have been in a place where all you could feel was positive energy and love. That's when I felt something 'shift'.
Watching Eric play his drums, doing something he loves and doing it for something as great as faith was incredible.
I have had a very eccentric up bringing with religion. Growing up in Utah and not being a Mormon wasn't exactly a walk in the park. I use to wear a CTR ring on the playground just to fit in and avoid being teased. I remember one time a girl had yelled ' Don't touch her.. she is a christian' I can remember thinking.. wait?? You are too!!
Then My father ( One of the most spiritually enlightened men I know) would take my sisters and I hiking and talk about God and had us hug trees and honor the Great spirit. At the time I was certain one of the ferns had stolen his mind.
Ever since I could ask questions I have been questioning religions. .(Probably because I was a tree huggin hippie wearing a CTR ring going to Young womens then to Mass then reading about the Dali Lama)I have always been fascinated by them. But I wonder how something that is suppose to promote peace and love could cause so much animosity and so much blood shed and hatred and judgment.
I still have so many questions.
One question I have.. The question that stumps me the most. How can people say THIS is the true church? THIS is the only way to God? With how many billions of people there are in the world.. good people? People of faith but people who's faith may be different than yours. What about the Hindu's, Buddhist's, Taoist, Native American's or the Jews? Will they be denied Salvation because they were raised to have faith in God but practice their faiths differently or have different teachings but with very similar lessons?
That's the trouble I have with Christianity. I have a hard time with the notion of Christ being the only way to God. .
let me take ya back ....
Girls Camp. 10 years old. I begged my Mother to let me start going to Young Women's in order to go to camp with all my friends. She let me. I went. It was fun we put on skits and ate food and hiked. Then the last night was testimony night. My friend dared me and bribed me with braids in my hair to get up and bare mine. I obliged. I walked up to the wooden stage and began " I would like to bare my Testimony.. I am not sure if this church is true.. whoosh!! I was ripped up off that stage faster than a twinkie at fat camp. The next morning came and I didn't get a cinnamon roll at breakfast and was never invited to the girls activities again.
Point is.. I have always had questions. I think I always will. But I hope to always have an open heart and an open mind. The more I learn the more enlightened I hope to become.
In the meantime I just want to be a good, honest, happy, healthy, loving person. And surround myself in good company with the people I love.
I am looking forward to see where this little 'shift' will nudge me.

Mimes and The Mashed Potatoes.

I shouldn't drink Alcohol.
Or maybe it's just that I shouldn't guzzle down 20 shots of watermelon, sour apple, fruit punch and grape kamikazes all in one sitting. Not only did I taste the rainbow twice ( going down and up again the next morning) I also pulled my best friends hair, was shoved across a room, lost a clump of my own hair, chucked a ten dollar tip at whale of a woman, slid down an oak tree, said numerous things I didn't mean, made a complete and total asshole of myself, crossed a few lines, wore red sunglasses, hurt someones feel bads, hurt my own feels bads and fed copious amounts of tasty fruity drinks to my friends.
This all lead me to consider AA. I don't know why I act as if I haven't a thing to lose when drinking. I become my own worst enemy in the morning.
So instead of moving into the AlaNO, I am going to limit myself to only a few cocktails on the weekends. That way I don't lose anymore hair or worse.. an actual person I love.
So other than me parading around like a total jackass.. nothing else is really all that new.
EXCEPT.. I did cook!! An actual meal. It was edible and delicious. This is a huge accomplishment coming from the girl who manages to mess up minute rice EVERYTIME, throws mashed potatoes.. because, it's the only logical thing to do with a pot of runny milked spuds that can't be eaten, lives on lean cuisines and believes easy mac is the single most brilliant thing since cheese whiz. I made Campbell's Chicken and Rice. ( Go ahead roll your eyes ) simple, I know! But.. did you hear what I said??
R I C E??!!
Now that I am on the verge of domestication I think I'll go to my local nursery and purchase some perennials and a pot. Just one, I don't want to overwhelm myself trying out my green thumb.
If that goes well.. I may try painting my bedroom. Sewing on a button. Baking a pie.
Who knows, maybe I'll be the Food Networks next big star. Martha Stewart without the prison time. Wouldn't that be lovely? And No, I still wouldn't resemble Ms happy go peppy buy a sofa Brod.
I could make a living at cooking as long as I could eat all the food, be supplied with a personal trainer and lipo suction. It would defiantly beat my current career of sitting in silence for 40 hours weekly listening to the troubles of menopause and Metamucil. Positive note: I think I have enough practice hours in on silence that I could become a certified mime.
That's all for now.

Selection.. A girls best friend?

For the last couple months my friends have been teasing me about resembling Page Davis. My Friend Dave tried making me feel better by insisting her peppiness was hot. Every time a RC Willey commercial comes on I cringe. Because, If I am THAT Perky peppy then I have some serious remodeling of my own persona to do. And I sure as hell won't be calling Ms home improvement for help on my restoration.
I fail to see any resemblance whatsoever at all. Besides the fact that we both have eyeballs, hair, teeth and a forehead. Not to mention I couldn't remodel a home if my life depended on it. Home Depot has to be the most terrible place on the planet. The smell of saw dust, paint, plumbing and fertilizer in a place ran by lesbians and retired contractors who I swear have been trained to give the slowest customer service ever. Go in there and be prepared to spend 45 minutes just to buy a faucet. And decorating has never been my forte. I had a New Kids on the Block poster on my wall up until I was 20. So, I brushed it off thinking my friends drink too frequently.
Then.. in the last 2 weeks I have been told by total complete strangers that I look like Ms trading spaces, huge savings, peppy-make-me-throw-up, happy-go-lucky I wanna smack her with a sofa Rc willey Chick.
*Barf*
I have no idea why I take such offense to this comparison. But, if I hear it one more time.. so help me god!!!!
Word to the wise. If you happen to agree with the uncanny resemblance between Page Davis and I.. I would highly suggest you keep it to yourself. Otherwise, you may end up with a lampshade stuck up where the sun don't shine.
I kind of want to spend my next Saturday at the home furnishings store standing in front of the billboard next to the entrance, eating a free hot dog, taking a poll and smearing pickle relish on anyone who concurs.
Your home your way. :)

Penguins with Margarita's

This is what I am chewing on today..
Why do people insist on giving their opinions? Advice and disapproval?
Did kindergarten teach you nothing besides paste is not to be eaten? If you have nothing nice to say.. say nothing at all.
That explains why I go 10 hours a day without uttering a word. *WORK*
I could get a wild hair up my biscuit and plan to pack my bags and move to India for a summer to become a professional yogi. Or go to Bermuda to take up Pirating. And as up surd as it may seem to you. Its not your life. It's mine. Regardless of the choices I make you will still be cozy in your life and all the 'right' decisions you have made. ( get me? )
So.. If I someday marry the man of my dreams who may not be whom you had envisioned for me. Too bad. Buy me something nice for my wedding, put on a dress and slap on a smile and love me anyway.
Also. .
I know this chick. I chose the word chick because I can't refer to the succubus as a woman. I am going to recant the 'know' and say 'am acquainted with'.
She is one of those individuals who's presence makes your skin crawl. Her eyes are proof that she is dead inside and her actions prove that she is an expert in sucking the souls out of men she encounters.
No exaggeration. And I am completely aware that I am contradicting the previous paragraph but I feel as if I am doing you peeps from the Internet a favor by warning you of these horrid things that infest our planet.
This woman has slept with more men in the little town I call home than the retired whores.
This woman sucked the soul out of someone very dear to me's man. Unacceptable.
Which brings me to another point.
Cheating. What in the hell is so difficult about keeping your willy in your pants?
Why is it an inconceivable notion to be faithful?
I think we all need to take observation of the penguin. One penguin will love and mate with just one other penguin FOR LIFE. With exception of the cold bitter terrain and the waddle I envy penguins.
I saw on the local news a while back a story about a penguin.. A picky female penguin who refused to mate and was the only single penguin in her pack. Another admirable trait.. Penguins refuse to settle. Or maybe she is a lesbian. Who's to say. But, there she is.. single, happy and not trying to waddle up on someone else's quin'.
They were allowing other zoo's to bring in male penguins to meet her for a potential 'mate'. . I hope she met her prince.
Anyway..
I need a deep margarita. A cheeseburger. A day off. The phone number to a hit man. A shovel. And I also need mouthwash. I gargled the last of it this morning. Then everything would be perfect.
This weekend is My little sisters Birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGY. I'll call her and sing seeming how she is a milion miles away.
It is also my Mother's Birthday. I called the Vatican and rented a priest to perform an exorcism. Look for the documentary next spring.
This weekend..I am going to watch a movie with my man. I am going to do laundry. I am going to drink a deep margarita. I am going to sleep in and take naps. I am going to go to Yoga. I am going eat carrot cake with my family and come Monday I'll be ready to sit out another 40 hours in complete silence saving the world one citation, one report and one blog at a time.